btw.

i should be sleeping right now as i have my first official solo shift working at 10am. i guess its nerves & not wanting to oversleep that is causing my current insomnia considering i have been going to bed & waking up early for the past couple of weeks; figures!

i'll survive.

in any case, this is an attempt to brace myself & any readers for a drastic change in my appearance to occur on friday at 6pm. at this day & time, i will be cutting my hair. big whoop, right?.. it is to me, at least. & when i say drastic, i mean it. i am planning on something just short of completely shaving my head, depending on the stylist's recommendation. regardless, i am looking forward to doing something completely different, something unexpected. my friend sofi shaved her head a few years back, & although i didnt know her at the time, the idea has inspired me. sofi says that she has never been more confident than during the time that she shaved her head & lost the vanity of her hair, & i really dig that concept. i want to rid myself of certain insecurities & be able to say, "this is me, take it or leave it."

i have hair seperation anxiety.
lets just hope i can find the courage to actually go through with it.

unfinished, incomplete & unworthy

currently restless & this sort of just... came out.

This life can be a rat race
& I've lost almost all my bets.
Sometimes i just cant face it
& I spend all day in bed,
thinking this life is full of strife
& how I just wish it would end,
that's when I think about my friend
& when I first heard the words "he's dead."
My brother had so much to give
but he just couldn't stay ahead
of his emotions,
his depression,
& the ghosts of past mistakes
incessant wailing in his head.
It must have been unbearable,
so my sun chose to quit instead.
His heart could not endure the pain
that some mindlessly shed,
his mind could not see relief ahead
in anything but death.
They say only the good die young
but words are just a waste of breath,
attempting validation
for a loss that makes no sense.
It's no beautiful tragedy,
no "better place" pretense,
there's no filling the vacuum in space
created when he left
except with this sinking feeling permanence,
spreading out tangible emptiness.
I know this abandonment is permanent.
Though I pray you found the peace you sought,
all I have left to hold is grief,
memories that time has worn & faded,
& wishes for your safe release
into love that lasts forever,
a love reserved for the deceased.

maybe one day i'll come back to finish this...

quit it.

i need to stop stalking people.

i have my second day of training tomorrow.

i really really miss my ipod.

i feel like a loser, lately.

i think i am pretty awesome despite certain bad habits/attributes.

i feel really skinny & i like it.

i wish the summer weather would last a little bit longer.

i miss my best friends & i hardly ever get to see them anymore.

i need to be more aggressive & decisive.

"was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows im miserable now"

i havent even started & i am already dreading going to work.

my good friend stephanie got me an interview to waitress at the ravel hotel rooftop lounge, & i got the job.

i am grateful for the opportunity, considering ive been unemployed for a year & a half, but im just scared i don't quite have the personality for a job where i have to be pretty, smile, & flirt to make good money. i might seem outgoing, crazy, & loud when i am around my friends, but that is only because they are the people i am most comfortable with. around strangers that will judge me based solely on my looks, it is a different story. i become painfully shy, to the point where i lose all wit & personality & have to struggle to force out audible conversation. seriously, i get so shy that i end up speaking in whispers without even noticing... sigh. i wish i was more confident!

today i will go in for training & i will try not to feel insecure & out of place.
today i will think positive & do what i have to do to make the money that i need.
today i will think of how happy i will be when i can pay off my debt to la guardia & be able to go back to school.
today will be a good day because i shall make it so!

the bad boy complex

what drives desire? perhaps it is a chaotic blend of percolating pheromones & society's covert conditioning that attracts one person to another. desire may be purely chemical or emotional but regardless of the driving force, the complexities are evident.

i've recently realized that despite these natural, hormonal factors & my own experienced, logical analysis of prospective partners, the attributes of the ones i most desire hardly ever compute with the total sum of parts of the ideal mate i have created in my head. i have been faced with these circumstances on multiple occasions & each time my mind has shouted distress signals which my foolish heart ignores as it laughs in the face of danger. one might even think i am a glutton for punishment. my tastes in men quite often reflect the self-destructive streak that so prominently characterizes many of my actions & subconsciously subscribes to the Good Girl Vs. Bad Boy mentality. even with the terms "good" & "bad" being loosely defined, it all seems to spell out TROUBLE in the end.

in fact, i do make informed decisions & keep in mind what is best for me, but oftentimes the wrong decision seems much more appealing. so who am i to pass judgment or blame on the subject of my affections when they fail to surprise me & cannot surpass their natural disposition & continue to be precisely the person i expected them to be? the choices i make are my own & i am the only scoundrel that should be held accountable for them. i know what i am getting myself into. i know exactly what these tremulous waters have in store for me, exactly what dangers lurk beneath the soul's surface... even so, i hope not to bash my head against jagged rocks as i dive headfirst into calamity.




they say a clear sign of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results.

i need to stop wallowing.

i hear its not normal to have recurring suicidal thoughts.

more often than not, i feel like i'm just going through the motions & perpetuating my sub-conscious self-destruction.

i have to tell my friend at least once a week that even though he is an ex-con, homeless, scarred, & hopeless, that he has intelligence, loved ones, & boundless potential. i tell him that these things alone are reasons to live & keep striving for something better than becoming a casualty of his mistakes & the sort of life that was dealt to him. does it make me a hypocrite because i dont have the same hope for myself?

i have a mother that would do anything for me, family & friends i can count on (for the most part), an able body in working order, a bed to sleep in... but pep talks & bullet points aren't enough. nothing is ever enough for me to feel like my life has a chance for improvement. i am jealous of people with drive & passion because i have none. i dont want to be uneducated, stuck in some menial job, being responsible & unhappy for the rest of my life, but i have no ambition for anything else. part of me thinks i can change the course of my life, but an even bigger part of me feels doomed to suffer in this stagnancy.

maybe some people really do need to be medicated for emotional imbalances & maybe, just maybe, i am one of them.

15x

as pretentious as they may be, hipsters are some of the nicest people. i lost my wallet this weekend & for the second time, it was kindly returned to me. the good samaritan actually looked me up & messaged me on facebook... thank you, nikki bagli!

across from where i met nikki to pick up my wallet was a smoke shop called FUGEDABOUDIT where i purchased a gram of 10x salvia for my friends & i. we took a few hits but it wasnt strong enough for any of us to hallucinate. my friend had some 15x potency salvia leftover from a couple of months ago & let me smoke it since i was disappointed that i wasnt able to trip... this is the result:



i wish i could describe what was happening to me. even before i let the smoke out, i saw the world warping around me & all of a sudden, i was in a different place. reality was paint dripping, swirling, splashing in vivid colors, all around me, within me. i was becoming part of the animation that was this fantasy world & i felt myself, my being, melting into a scene of some cartoon. colors, dripping into my eyes, my mouth & being dragged down & drowning in them, trying to feel my limbs & regain control of my own entity before i ceased to exist & all consciousness & free thought would end as i became an insignificant drop of paint. i struggled to free myself of goopy paint ropes binding me, the world was ripped at the seams & i caught a glimpse of my friends flying in a dimension above me, in the real world, where i belonged & could actually exist. do i exist? fuck. this isnt right, was that real?

salvia is one helluva drug.