i hear its not normal to have recurring suicidal thoughts.
more often than not, i feel like i'm just going through the motions & perpetuating my sub-conscious self-destruction.
i have to tell my friend at least once a week that even though he is an ex-con, homeless, scarred, & hopeless, that he has intelligence, loved ones, & boundless potential. i tell him that these things alone are reasons to live & keep striving for something better than becoming a casualty of his mistakes & the sort of life that was dealt to him. does it make me a hypocrite because i dont have the same hope for myself?
i have a mother that would do anything for me, family & friends i can count on (for the most part), an able body in working order, a bed to sleep in... but pep talks & bullet points aren't enough. nothing is ever enough for me to feel like my life has a chance for improvement. i am jealous of people with drive & passion because i have none. i dont want to be uneducated, stuck in some menial job, being responsible & unhappy for the rest of my life, but i have no ambition for anything else. part of me thinks i can change the course of my life, but an even bigger part of me feels doomed to suffer in this stagnancy.
maybe some people really do need to be medicated for emotional imbalances & maybe, just maybe, i am one of them.
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2 comments:
listen, you can think like that all you want, but in the end you have to just live your life and see where it goes. yeah questions like the ones you're asking are often the same ones that everyone else in the world is thinking, but it shouldn't stop you from being who you want to be or who you are in general.
life is much more enjoyable when you aren't working so hard to figure out what you want to do with it. if you just sit down and think about it, nothing will happen and then you'll be too old to do anything about it. even if you don't know what you're doing and you're walking around blindly, at least you're giving it more of a shot than just sitting there.
i don't want any of the things you don't want either, but what i realized lately is that even though i have the menial desk job and i'm super responsible, if i want to learn how to play cricket, i can do it. if i want to sky dive, i'm not going to say no. life is more meaningful when it's full of experiences. experience it!
I agree with Simone. Normal, Eccentric, Ex-con, or Artist, "in the end you have to just live your life and see where it goes."
All those people were born in the same way and I'm pretty sure they die the same way...
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