residence on earth

"Barcarole"

If you would only touch my heart,
if only you would put your mouth on my heart,
your delicate mouth, your teeth,
if you would put your tongue like a red arrow
there where my dusty heart beats,
if you would blow on my heart, near the sea, weeping,
it would sound like a dark noise, with the sound
of sleepy train wheels,
like wavering waters,
like a leafy autumn,
like blood,
with a noise of moist flames burning the sky,
sounding like dreams or branches or rains,
or foghorns in a dreary port,
if you would blow on my heart, near the sea,
like a white ghost,
at the edge of the foam,
in the midst of the wind,
like an unchained ghost, at the edge of the sea, weeping.

Like an extended absence, like a sudden bell,
the sea spreads the sound of the heart,
raining, at nightfall, on a lonely coast:
night doubtless falls,
and its mournful shipwrecked-banner blue
peoples itself with planets of hoarse silver.

And the heart sounds like a sour snail,
call, oh sea, oh lament, oh melted fright
scattered in misfortunes and rickety waves:
from resonance the sea reveals
its recumbent shadows, its green poppies.

If you suddenly existed, on a gloomy coast,
surrounded by the dead day,
facing a new night,
filled with waves,
and if you blew on my heart cold with fear,
if you blew on the lonely blood of my heart,
if you blew on its flaming dove movement,
its black bloody syllables would sound,
its incessant red waters would swell,
and it would sound, sound of shadows,
sound like death,
it would call like a tube filled with wind or weeping,
or a bottle squirting fright in spurts.

So it is, and the lightning would cover your tresses
and the rain would enter through your open eyes
to prepare the weeping that you silently enclose,
and the black wings of the sea would wheel around
you, with great claws, and croakings, and flights.

Do you want to be the solitary ghost that near the sea
plays upon its sad and sterile instrument?
if only you would call,
its prolonged sound, its malevolent whistle,
its arrangement of wounded waves,
someone would perhaps come,
someone would come;
from the peaks of islands, from the depths of the sea,
someone would come, someone would come.

Somebody would come; play furiously,
let it sound like the siren of a broken boat,
like a lament,
like a whinny in the midst of the foam and the blood,
like a ferocious water gnashing and echoing.

In the sea season
its snail of shadow circles like a shout,
the sea birds belittle it and fly away,
its roll call of sounds, its mournful crosspieces,
rise on the shore of the solitary sea.

-Pablo Neruda

the bad boy complex

what drives desire? perhaps it is a chaotic blend of percolating pheromones & society's covert conditioning that attracts one person to another. desire may be purely chemical or emotional but regardless of the driving force, the complexities are evident.

i've recently realized that despite these natural, hormonal factors & my own experienced, logical analysis of prospective partners, the attributes of the ones i most desire hardly ever compute with the total sum of parts of the ideal mate i have created in my head. i have been faced with these circumstances on multiple occasions & each time my mind has shouted distress signals which my foolish heart ignores as it laughs in the face of danger. one might even think i am a glutton for punishment. my tastes in men quite often reflect the self-destructive streak that so prominently characterizes many of my actions & subconsciously subscribes to the Good Girl Vs. Bad Boy mentality. even with the terms "good" & "bad" being loosely defined, it all seems to spell out TROUBLE in the end.

in fact, i do make informed decisions & keep in mind what is best for me, but oftentimes the wrong decision seems much more appealing. so who am i to pass judgment or blame on the subject of my affections when they fail to surprise me & cannot surpass their natural disposition & continue to be precisely the person i expected them to be? the choices i make are my own & i am the only scoundrel that should be held accountable for them. i know what i am getting myself into. i know exactly what these tremulous waters have in store for me, exactly what dangers lurk beneath the soul's surface... even so, i hope not to bash my head against jagged rocks as i dive headfirst into calamity.




they say a clear sign of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results.

love too late

i dont want this to turn into an aching-heart blog, but my heart aches.

i think i made the right decision, at the cost of love & hopeless romanticism, but i guess this way, you never really win.

not much.

its been over a month since i have written anything so i will try to do a random thoughts update.

i have found a lucrative, but rather unstable way to make money. the job itself resides in a morally gray area, so i wont go into the details. not to worry, i am not selling any of my orifices.

a conversation with the wife last night has made me realize that my eXXX has ruined me for future relationships. not that i am at all devastated, those feelings are long gone. the problem is that i cant seem to find anyone to hold my attention. actually, i suppose that isn't even the problem, as i am not looking for another distraction. the problem starts when i become the romance seeker's reluctant discovery, i am not a treasure. i just cant respect anyone who would seriously want to date me at this point in my life. i am a mess & i don't want anyone's help cleaning up. maybe its not the right time, or the right person, but at this moment, i am just generally disinterested in romantic affections.

summer is almost here, despite what today's weather would have you believe. i need a bike, a tan, & to lose 10 pounds.

dead for 2 months & 7 days

one of the most sinking feelings i have ever experienced throughout my life comes from accepting that the person that i love no longer loves me back.





"Not everything happens for a reason, I know that it sounds appealing when you lose something that's not replaceable."