15x

as pretentious as they may be, hipsters are some of the nicest people. i lost my wallet this weekend & for the second time, it was kindly returned to me. the good samaritan actually looked me up & messaged me on facebook... thank you, nikki bagli!

across from where i met nikki to pick up my wallet was a smoke shop called FUGEDABOUDIT where i purchased a gram of 10x salvia for my friends & i. we took a few hits but it wasnt strong enough for any of us to hallucinate. my friend had some 15x potency salvia leftover from a couple of months ago & let me smoke it since i was disappointed that i wasnt able to trip... this is the result:



i wish i could describe what was happening to me. even before i let the smoke out, i saw the world warping around me & all of a sudden, i was in a different place. reality was paint dripping, swirling, splashing in vivid colors, all around me, within me. i was becoming part of the animation that was this fantasy world & i felt myself, my being, melting into a scene of some cartoon. colors, dripping into my eyes, my mouth & being dragged down & drowning in them, trying to feel my limbs & regain control of my own entity before i ceased to exist & all consciousness & free thought would end as i became an insignificant drop of paint. i struggled to free myself of goopy paint ropes binding me, the world was ripped at the seams & i caught a glimpse of my friends flying in a dimension above me, in the real world, where i belonged & could actually exist. do i exist? fuck. this isnt right, was that real?

salvia is one helluva drug.

check

i tend to make lists when i want to get things accomplished. the list must be written on crisp, clean paper; clear, bold declarations of my intentions written neatly & succinctly. the list is to be displayed prominently in an eye-drawing location to serve as a constant reminder of the tasks at hand. my lists serve to ease my anxiety, although sometimes they only perpetuate my feelings of helplessness; there is so much i need to do & most times i feel as if i am incapable... but usually, compiling a list gives me a sense of control over my life. i feel empowered as i write down my agenda, planning realistic goals to achieve. i envision them as obstacles to overcome, missions to complete, or enemies to vanquish. they are made more permanent on paper, tangible. i review my list frequently. i add notes to my bullet points, an addendum here, a revision there. i write & i rewrite & revise & rewrite... until the time comes that, with great satisfaction, i cross them out. one thick line. a whimsical check mark. baby steps for an adult.

my lovely crutch

when I'm high, I feel so much more aware of myself than I typically do. I hear everything that I am doing much louder than it probably is, chewing a pringle, swallowing my vitamin water. I hear myself so loudly when I speak but even those close by can't hear what I'm saying. it feels like I'm shouting! sometimes I take trips on a tangent in my own mind & get lost where it takes me. "where was I going with this?" the thought process is a scenic landscape. I can talk about pain & it no longer feels like misery but like beauty, part of an epic battle taking place inside me & spilling out into the world. I just feel rational & I can actually see through the smoke. my head races but there's peace. home in a strange place.