update

work is going well. besides the fact that i work in the same hotel as 7 of my friends (we all have different positions there), i have gotten really cool with all of the guys that i work with; the girls not so much, but that's to be expected seeing as i am not a "bar chick" & they all seem to be. unfortunately, rooftop lounges are not all that popular once the fall/winter season comes along, but at least i can make enough money to hang out & pay off my bills & school debt.




i followed through with my haircut as well. actually, it wasnt what i originally planned. to be perfectly honest, i just wasnt brave enough to shave my head just yet, but my hair is still a lot shorter than it has ever been in my entire life. when my stylist, amanda, was washing my hair before the big cut, she asked why i was so determined on making such a drastic change & i told her, "i want to get rid of all the negative energy that is trapped in my hair." she laughed & rosanna & i were surprised that she had never heard anyone say that before, but its something i meant to be taken seriously. i really feel like this haircut has been a catalyst for me, i feel like the weight of so many insecurities & fears have been cut away from my spirit & i feel freer & more optimistic than i have in a long, long time.


before & after


the best part is that i was still able to cut enough off the length to donate to locks of love:





hopefully for my next update i will be able to write less about the actual physical, literal changes that have occurred in my life & delve deeper into the changes i have been feeling in regards to my mental attitude & emotional state. my friend has been telling me some very intriguing things dealing with numerology that have really blown my mind & basically changed my whole perspective on life in general... but i will save that for next time.

the bad boy complex

what drives desire? perhaps it is a chaotic blend of percolating pheromones & society's covert conditioning that attracts one person to another. desire may be purely chemical or emotional but regardless of the driving force, the complexities are evident.

i've recently realized that despite these natural, hormonal factors & my own experienced, logical analysis of prospective partners, the attributes of the ones i most desire hardly ever compute with the total sum of parts of the ideal mate i have created in my head. i have been faced with these circumstances on multiple occasions & each time my mind has shouted distress signals which my foolish heart ignores as it laughs in the face of danger. one might even think i am a glutton for punishment. my tastes in men quite often reflect the self-destructive streak that so prominently characterizes many of my actions & subconsciously subscribes to the Good Girl Vs. Bad Boy mentality. even with the terms "good" & "bad" being loosely defined, it all seems to spell out TROUBLE in the end.

in fact, i do make informed decisions & keep in mind what is best for me, but oftentimes the wrong decision seems much more appealing. so who am i to pass judgment or blame on the subject of my affections when they fail to surprise me & cannot surpass their natural disposition & continue to be precisely the person i expected them to be? the choices i make are my own & i am the only scoundrel that should be held accountable for them. i know what i am getting myself into. i know exactly what these tremulous waters have in store for me, exactly what dangers lurk beneath the soul's surface... even so, i hope not to bash my head against jagged rocks as i dive headfirst into calamity.




they say a clear sign of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results.

15x

as pretentious as they may be, hipsters are some of the nicest people. i lost my wallet this weekend & for the second time, it was kindly returned to me. the good samaritan actually looked me up & messaged me on facebook... thank you, nikki bagli!

across from where i met nikki to pick up my wallet was a smoke shop called FUGEDABOUDIT where i purchased a gram of 10x salvia for my friends & i. we took a few hits but it wasnt strong enough for any of us to hallucinate. my friend had some 15x potency salvia leftover from a couple of months ago & let me smoke it since i was disappointed that i wasnt able to trip... this is the result:



i wish i could describe what was happening to me. even before i let the smoke out, i saw the world warping around me & all of a sudden, i was in a different place. reality was paint dripping, swirling, splashing in vivid colors, all around me, within me. i was becoming part of the animation that was this fantasy world & i felt myself, my being, melting into a scene of some cartoon. colors, dripping into my eyes, my mouth & being dragged down & drowning in them, trying to feel my limbs & regain control of my own entity before i ceased to exist & all consciousness & free thought would end as i became an insignificant drop of paint. i struggled to free myself of goopy paint ropes binding me, the world was ripped at the seams & i caught a glimpse of my friends flying in a dimension above me, in the real world, where i belonged & could actually exist. do i exist? fuck. this isnt right, was that real?

salvia is one helluva drug.

love too late

i dont want this to turn into an aching-heart blog, but my heart aches.

i think i made the right decision, at the cost of love & hopeless romanticism, but i guess this way, you never really win.

not much.

its been over a month since i have written anything so i will try to do a random thoughts update.

i have found a lucrative, but rather unstable way to make money. the job itself resides in a morally gray area, so i wont go into the details. not to worry, i am not selling any of my orifices.

a conversation with the wife last night has made me realize that my eXXX has ruined me for future relationships. not that i am at all devastated, those feelings are long gone. the problem is that i cant seem to find anyone to hold my attention. actually, i suppose that isn't even the problem, as i am not looking for another distraction. the problem starts when i become the romance seeker's reluctant discovery, i am not a treasure. i just cant respect anyone who would seriously want to date me at this point in my life. i am a mess & i don't want anyone's help cleaning up. maybe its not the right time, or the right person, but at this moment, i am just generally disinterested in romantic affections.

summer is almost here, despite what today's weather would have you believe. i need a bike, a tan, & to lose 10 pounds.

blind.

I wear contacts. they're supposed to be disposed of biweekly, but I wear them until my eyes get irritated & simply replace the old with the new. I NEVER take them out otherwise. this is supposed to be really bad for your eyeball health, but I've done it for years. Last time I saw the optometrist, he said my vison has hardly deteriorated, that my eyes are really healthy, & was thus commended for "taking such good care" of my contacts. crazy, right?

the downside: sometimes when my eyes get irritated, either by makeup or old contacts, I can't even bear to have anything on/in my eyes... even blinking hurts! usually I wait a day with only one seeing, contact covered eye before I put both new ones in. I do this because my glasses are not cute & broken, besides. well! last night I had to remove my right contact due to irritation, & when I woke up today my I had to do the same for my left eye. so... I have been wearing my broken glasses all day at home, glasses with only one arm, so its really tricky trying to keep them on my face with the lenses in front of both eyes.

I'm not opposed to glasses. I used to be, but now I'm slightly more confident with my appearance & think I look kinda cute in them. alas, my glasses are one-armed! I want new ones, the kind with those thick frames that all the trendy ghetto bitches wear. I don't care, I like them.

I lost track of this post. the point is, my eyesight is terrible! wearing my contacts 24/7 has made me forget how little I can actually see without them. I have slight double vision when I try to look at things up close, which I dont remember ever happening before, & even huge letters are blurry or even unrecognizable from just a few feet away. it really sucks, really, really. even though the doctor said my eyes were doing well, I feel terrible because I know I will always have to wear glasses or contacts, & that eventually my god-given sight may turn into old-age-blindness. this is so depressing, I just want to be able to see. I think about world devastation & the chances of surviving in a world with no luxuries like disposable contacts & I am truly terrified. its silly, but these are the type of thoughs that run laps in my brain.

someone pay for my lazik surgery so I have a chance against the feral dogs.

the baby.

On saturday I came face to face with a ghost from my past. He looked at me through low lids & glazed eyes, through thick, dark eyelashes which I always both loved & envied. For the first time in years this ghost stood in front of me, finally tangible. He embraced me with outstretched arms & the rest of the world disappeared in a fog of crying girlfriends, bikes, strangers & subway noises. I was intoxicated in his arms, sinking deep into a sea of forgotten feelings, letting myself drown in them.

I don't remember the words spoken, only arms, hands, lips, eyelashes. The memory has a dreamlike quality which was created with equal parts scotch, whiskey, surprise, & nostalgia - but the main ingredient is something entirely different. It is something indescribable that I will futilely attempt to describe as magic, mysterious, illogical. You don't believe in it unless you see it for yourself, unless you experience it & realize there is no other way to explain it, it just is what it is, magic. Its magic that makes you forget the way you used to be frustrated & jealous, the way you used to cry & ache, & how long it took you to accept that he was never yours to keep. Magic or chemistry. Magic or pheromones. It hangs like a cloud & floats invisibly in the air waiting for two unsuspecting people to walk into it & hug each other on the subway platform at the 14th street station. Some mystical force that causes former-lovers & now-strangers to hold each other & kiss with liquor-coated tongues all the way from Union Square to somewhere-Uptown, where the spell is broken once the ghost reaches his stop & says goodnight. No longer in a dream, faces of friends materialize with puzzled expressions.

"What was that?"

How can you explain something you don't truly understand? Like how one person can claim a space in your heart without ever paying your emotional rental fees. How can you explain feelings for no reason, feelings that don't fade with time? Feelings that have no expectations, those that are boundless. Love that asks for nothing & gives nothing in return. Love disguised as a ghost that tries too hard to sound indifferent when he calls & asks if you remember kissing him, even though you know he would be offended if you said you didn't.

ideas ideas ideas

i am tired of being afraid of hard work, of failure. tired of this fear of not living up to my own expectations. you never know unless you try: sound advice i rarely listen to, but i will, from now on.

rainey & simone, you have inspired me with your ideas & now i need to look within myself for inspiration.

i want/need to be creative. without it, i will only continue to sink into the boring, the blase (accent on the e). creativity should come naturally but if it is stifled by fear it will never have a chance to manifest.

this is me, trying to motivate myself.

its the end of the world as we know it

I just got this application for my phone called "Sky Map." It shows you which stars, planets, constellations, etc are visible in the sky according to your location. i havent used it yet, seeing as it isnt dark out, but according to the comments on the application page, you can actually see the planets aligning! I find that pretty spooky considering the prophecies surrounding the year 2012... I'm not prepared for the world to end without having been able to really explore any of it. Polar switches & massive climate change would really put a damper on all of our futures, if we even have much of a future in the state this world is in. But we have to be positive, right? Who knows what will happen to any of us in the next 4 years? All we can do is try to steer our lives on course to destination-whatever-plans we may have. Personally, I've never been one to plan ahead, but its time that I set some goals, especially now that I believe there's an actual time limit. & if there isn't? Then at least I accomplished something.

More on this later.