not much.

its been over a month since i have written anything so i will try to do a random thoughts update.

i have found a lucrative, but rather unstable way to make money. the job itself resides in a morally gray area, so i wont go into the details. not to worry, i am not selling any of my orifices.

a conversation with the wife last night has made me realize that my eXXX has ruined me for future relationships. not that i am at all devastated, those feelings are long gone. the problem is that i cant seem to find anyone to hold my attention. actually, i suppose that isn't even the problem, as i am not looking for another distraction. the problem starts when i become the romance seeker's reluctant discovery, i am not a treasure. i just cant respect anyone who would seriously want to date me at this point in my life. i am a mess & i don't want anyone's help cleaning up. maybe its not the right time, or the right person, but at this moment, i am just generally disinterested in romantic affections.

summer is almost here, despite what today's weather would have you believe. i need a bike, a tan, & to lose 10 pounds.

ideas ideas ideas

i am tired of being afraid of hard work, of failure. tired of this fear of not living up to my own expectations. you never know unless you try: sound advice i rarely listen to, but i will, from now on.

rainey & simone, you have inspired me with your ideas & now i need to look within myself for inspiration.

i want/need to be creative. without it, i will only continue to sink into the boring, the blase (accent on the e). creativity should come naturally but if it is stifled by fear it will never have a chance to manifest.

this is me, trying to motivate myself.

schemes

i made $50 today by helping someone run a scheme on home depot. i didnt do anything illegal, but the person i was "working" for definitely does lots of illegal things in order to make his money. living in jackson heights has opened my eyes to all the creative schemes immigrants have to cook up in order to make a decent living. i can only imagine how badly it must suck(!) to have your very existance in a country be criminilized just because you lack a piece of paper (or quite a few pieces.) im not going to start ranting about immigration policy & wages, maybe next time. for now, i just want to say that i definitely admire their resilience & survival tactics.