i need to stop wallowing.

i hear its not normal to have recurring suicidal thoughts.

more often than not, i feel like i'm just going through the motions & perpetuating my sub-conscious self-destruction.

i have to tell my friend at least once a week that even though he is an ex-con, homeless, scarred, & hopeless, that he has intelligence, loved ones, & boundless potential. i tell him that these things alone are reasons to live & keep striving for something better than becoming a casualty of his mistakes & the sort of life that was dealt to him. does it make me a hypocrite because i dont have the same hope for myself?

i have a mother that would do anything for me, family & friends i can count on (for the most part), an able body in working order, a bed to sleep in... but pep talks & bullet points aren't enough. nothing is ever enough for me to feel like my life has a chance for improvement. i am jealous of people with drive & passion because i have none. i dont want to be uneducated, stuck in some menial job, being responsible & unhappy for the rest of my life, but i have no ambition for anything else. part of me thinks i can change the course of my life, but an even bigger part of me feels doomed to suffer in this stagnancy.

maybe some people really do need to be medicated for emotional imbalances & maybe, just maybe, i am one of them.