blind.

I wear contacts. they're supposed to be disposed of biweekly, but I wear them until my eyes get irritated & simply replace the old with the new. I NEVER take them out otherwise. this is supposed to be really bad for your eyeball health, but I've done it for years. Last time I saw the optometrist, he said my vison has hardly deteriorated, that my eyes are really healthy, & was thus commended for "taking such good care" of my contacts. crazy, right?

the downside: sometimes when my eyes get irritated, either by makeup or old contacts, I can't even bear to have anything on/in my eyes... even blinking hurts! usually I wait a day with only one seeing, contact covered eye before I put both new ones in. I do this because my glasses are not cute & broken, besides. well! last night I had to remove my right contact due to irritation, & when I woke up today my I had to do the same for my left eye. so... I have been wearing my broken glasses all day at home, glasses with only one arm, so its really tricky trying to keep them on my face with the lenses in front of both eyes.

I'm not opposed to glasses. I used to be, but now I'm slightly more confident with my appearance & think I look kinda cute in them. alas, my glasses are one-armed! I want new ones, the kind with those thick frames that all the trendy ghetto bitches wear. I don't care, I like them.

I lost track of this post. the point is, my eyesight is terrible! wearing my contacts 24/7 has made me forget how little I can actually see without them. I have slight double vision when I try to look at things up close, which I dont remember ever happening before, & even huge letters are blurry or even unrecognizable from just a few feet away. it really sucks, really, really. even though the doctor said my eyes were doing well, I feel terrible because I know I will always have to wear glasses or contacts, & that eventually my god-given sight may turn into old-age-blindness. this is so depressing, I just want to be able to see. I think about world devastation & the chances of surviving in a world with no luxuries like disposable contacts & I am truly terrified. its silly, but these are the type of thoughs that run laps in my brain.

someone pay for my lazik surgery so I have a chance against the feral dogs.

the baby.

On saturday I came face to face with a ghost from my past. He looked at me through low lids & glazed eyes, through thick, dark eyelashes which I always both loved & envied. For the first time in years this ghost stood in front of me, finally tangible. He embraced me with outstretched arms & the rest of the world disappeared in a fog of crying girlfriends, bikes, strangers & subway noises. I was intoxicated in his arms, sinking deep into a sea of forgotten feelings, letting myself drown in them.

I don't remember the words spoken, only arms, hands, lips, eyelashes. The memory has a dreamlike quality which was created with equal parts scotch, whiskey, surprise, & nostalgia - but the main ingredient is something entirely different. It is something indescribable that I will futilely attempt to describe as magic, mysterious, illogical. You don't believe in it unless you see it for yourself, unless you experience it & realize there is no other way to explain it, it just is what it is, magic. Its magic that makes you forget the way you used to be frustrated & jealous, the way you used to cry & ache, & how long it took you to accept that he was never yours to keep. Magic or chemistry. Magic or pheromones. It hangs like a cloud & floats invisibly in the air waiting for two unsuspecting people to walk into it & hug each other on the subway platform at the 14th street station. Some mystical force that causes former-lovers & now-strangers to hold each other & kiss with liquor-coated tongues all the way from Union Square to somewhere-Uptown, where the spell is broken once the ghost reaches his stop & says goodnight. No longer in a dream, faces of friends materialize with puzzled expressions.

"What was that?"

How can you explain something you don't truly understand? Like how one person can claim a space in your heart without ever paying your emotional rental fees. How can you explain feelings for no reason, feelings that don't fade with time? Feelings that have no expectations, those that are boundless. Love that asks for nothing & gives nothing in return. Love disguised as a ghost that tries too hard to sound indifferent when he calls & asks if you remember kissing him, even though you know he would be offended if you said you didn't.

Aterciopelados

i went to see this band to keep my friend stephanie company, & left the concert as a new fan.


here are some of pictures:














& video of part of "el estuche"




Mira la escencia, no las apariencias
El cuerpo es sólo un estuche y los ojos la ventana,
De nuestra alma aprisionada
Mira la esencia, no las apariencias
Que todo entra por los ojos dicen lo superficiales,
Lo que hay adentro es lo que vale

Look at the essence, not the appearances
the body is only a case & the eyes are the windows
of our imprisoned souls
look at the essence, not the appearances
the superficial say, all enters through the eyes
but what is inside, is what is valuable