BWAR.

it is easy to use contrived & cryptic phrases to conceal an ideology devoid of any valid reasoning, meaning, or purpose- to rebel against everything & yet stand up for nothing. you demand action, promoting free thought while predicating how others should be as careless as you wish you could be. one cannot in good conscience submit to a philosophy of indifference, one of the greatest of evils.

you have the free spirit of a judge holding inquisitions.
reserve your judgments for those that cannot see past the transparency of your words.

it's been a while

so, its christmas eve afternoon. i am not a religious person, but i do appreciate christmas for its decorative aspects, the delicious food, & spending time with family, which i only seem to do on holidays. this christmas will be different in terms that it is the first time in a long time that my mother & i will not be joining my aunt & cousins for dinner. we are having our very own christmas at home, just the two of us.

i find it hard to spend time alone with my mother, & at this time of year it always makes me feel guilty. no matter how much we try to get along, our personalities clash & we end up getting into fights over silly things, such as the tone of my voice, or her old-fashioned ideas about life & how i should behave. i hope tonight will be different. i hope we can have a good time together & actually enjoy each others company for once.

i have realized that i resent my mother for a lot of things. the mistakes she has made in her life have affected mine as well, that is a given. although she does everything within her power to make sure that i am well taken care of, i am usually unappreciative. i hold so many grudges against her, & i realize that this is unfair. she begrudges me as well, but i know it is only because she expects so much more from me, as well she should; because throughout my life she has always supported, encouraged, & provided me with the tools to build a better life & future for myself, for both of us.

i want to change. i have to change, because our relationship cannot continue in this manner. my mother has always treated me like a princess, even now when we have close to nothing, she spoils me every way that she can - but that is not fair to her, at this point in my life i need to be able to take care of myself & spoil her a little too. i have to overcome my laziness & these undeserved feelings of entitlement. i need to become an asset to the household, rather than a detriment. i think one of my new years resolution will be just that, to be a better daughter, one deserving of her love.

the usual revelation

i complain too much.

i need to grow the fuck up- give up my idealized views of the people that surround me, we are all human & humans hurt & deceive each other. i live in a fantasy world where you're all on a pedestal until your own flailing knocks you off. this isn't fair to anyone, even to myself. i would feel much less pained by all of this if i was a tad more realistic about the nature of humanity. on the flip side, ive been quick to give people the snip-snip & cut them out of my life. these days i have no tolerance for anything or anyone.

im terribly unhealthy, i have to start taking care of myself better so that i don't die of cancer. im trying to quit smoking cigarettes but its mainly because i can no longer afford them, but i guess i am better off.

they say things always get worse before they get better, so hopefully this is when they start getting better. i feel like the universe is testing my will.

"it's your duty to overcome what you inherit in life. am i going to be the master of my fate or its victim? i'm not going to be its victim... though ive felt victimized- A LOT."

woe is me.

i never have anything to write about. actually i probably have a lot of things to write about but lately i haven't found it therapeutic to write about things that are upsetting me. bullet points are helpful. such as, i will never purchase important textbooks from amazon.com again. faulty sellers/shipping might cause my academic downfall of '08. i have an academic downfall every year that i attempt to go to school & this year, when im actually trying quite hard, circumstances that are beyond my control result in an epic FAIL. i just found out that i am a day late to withdraw from my stats class so i will have to take an 'F' grade up the ass with no lube which may put my financial aid in jeopardy seeing as im already on academic probation... i guess that was more than a bullet. this whole textbook situation has been driving me crazy since the semester began & at this point is keeping me so far behind on my work that I've been feeling extremely hopeless, depressed, & unmotivated. & by extremely i just mean, more than usual. thus, i have been finding it harder to take care of my limited responsibilities such as attending class & keeping peace with my mama. our relationship has been more than strained as of late. in fact, she wished death upon me the other day. i try not to take it seriously & blame the menopause but the truth is that im pretty much an ungrateful, selfish, & shitty daughter. i hear the first step on the road to recovery is acceptance, but what is step 2?

horrible morning.

i wish i could talk to you. i want to know why you did it. do you regret it? is there still a "you" to speak of? you cant call someone selfish for feeling this way. i get so upset when someone has the nerve to call you selfish, because only you know the pain in your heart & mind. we are the selfish ones. i will never be angry about what you did. i feel like i've always understood you, i've understood why because i feel it inside of me. this struggle to live, sometimes its unbearable. what is it worth?

my beautiful sunny, i wish you were here. i wish i was there, or anywhere else.

first A of fall

for lack of more interesting thoughts, i decided to post my first paper of the semester. it is not a very compelling or even interesting paper, but neither was the assignment. my philosophy professor is both beautiful & boring.

anyways, i have bhagli to thank for providing the intellectual stimulation i needed to complete this paper one hour before it was due.

this was the aim conversation that turned into my paper: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=227691763&blogID=437803209

& here is the finished product:

The following dialogue is a discussion between myself and the protagonist, Bhagli Suren, over the topic of Nature Vs. Nurture. The following is my attempt to determine Bhagli’s stance on the matter, and conclude whether or not her views on this topic are based on fallacies or illogical contradictions. Through this dialectic, I will employ the Socratic Method to settle conclusively if Bhagli’s argument makes sense in a philosophical and logical perspective.

Melissa: Bhagli, I am wondering what your opinion is on the infamous nature versus nurture debate. Which of these do you think is the primary element that shapes an individual?
Bhagli: I say nurture shapes the individual more than nature because skills and attitudes can always be learned and honed. People aren't born with hate or love. We’re a neutral canvas at birth. It’s our experiences and relationships with others that help mold us into the people we will become as adults.
Melissa: interesting deduction, Bhagli. Would you go as far as to say that nature does not in fact have any impact on an individual's personality?
Bhagli: Yes, because how and where you grow up will determine whom you will become. For example, your environment, such as being poor in a third world country as opposed to well off in a first world country. Religion, racism, all these things are taught. A character trait, such as kindness, is taught.
Melissa: I understand that our environment does play a role in influencing our thoughts and actions; however, what would you say about people who do not conform to the ideals of their family and society? Are you in fact, saying that we are merely products of our environment?
Bhagli: Of course, because even anarchy requires an action against nurture. Nonconformity and denial of your societal and familial state require some sort of acknowledgment of your surroundings, so in turn, even if you go against the grain, you're still being affected by the ideas put forth.
Melissa: So where would you say this rebellious attitude could come from? If your family and society has taught you everything that you know about the world, from whence would the idea develop that would question these grand authorities? By simple reason, it must be something that is naturally developed in the mind of the individual, without influence from these outside sources. Are you in fact saying that individual thought and reason does not exist if even an act of rebellion would be considered as “conformist” under your logic?
Bhagli: I would say at this point in time, most rebellious and individual thoughts have been deduced to just a reconstruction/revision of history. So one is probably conforming to something that has already happened. Individual thought is possible, but every choice is a response to what is given to us by our environment. Therefore, individual thought, like this one that I am having, an opinion, is the birth of an idea from an pre-conceived notion that already exists.
Melissa: Well, your statements in themselves, reveal an interesting contradiction. At some point, an individual thought, exclusive to any outside influences, must have been formed, without this, mankind would have never been able to develop so many different value sets. So although I see your point on this matter, I still believe that our own genetics and natural, birth-given qualities also have an effect on us outside of our environmental influences.
Bhagli: I disagree, can you provide an example of where nature can surpass the effects forced onto the individual through familial and societal influences?
Melissa: Surely, I will. For instance, many modern scientists and genealogy experts would argue that homosexuality is a genetic trait. In the past and oftentimes it still occurs today, homosexuals have been considered banes of society and have been greatly discriminated against. Many people lose the support of their families, religious circles, and in extreme cases even face harassment and violence due to their sexuality. If you are arguing that nurture is the one and only determiner of an individual, why would anyone in their right mind, “choose” this kind of lifestyle and sexual preference?. Many homosexuals, despite their breeding, which may have pushed them towards a more socially accepted preference, would say that they were “born gay.” Would you deny these people’s deepest instincts and say that sexuality is nothing but a choice? Did you, “choose” to be straight, or is it something that was natural and instinctual for you?
Bhagli: Well, Melissa, even if you are born homosexual, it is nurture that will determine how and if you “come out” at all. However, that is one aspect of the discussion that I had not yet thought of. We really have no say in our sexuality... physical pleasure/needs are the most natural (even if taboo) part of being human, and of being in the most blatant of terms, an animal. We choose who we can love but as for the raw basics, for example, what gender our partner will be, is the most instinctual aspect of desire. So perhaps, you are right in the end, and both nature and nurture play a part in our personal development, even if it might not be an equal distribution.
Melissa: Thank you, Bhagli. All I ask is that from now on, you keep an open mind and realize that although we may be products of our environment, we also have an individual will and under the power of our own natural instincts we can fight the forces in our lives that try to hold us at bay from coming to our own conclusions.

professor pretty called my writing elegant... swoon*

comfort zone.

sometimes closure can come in the most unexpected of ways.

for nana!

...because we all hate her. even jason bourne! this cracked me up.

matt damon for president!



*actuary tables= remaining life expectancy for people at different ages

sea lion

this is pretty dope. i dont know how long ago this dropped, but i just discovered it & once again i am blown away by these spoken word poets turned rappers. saul williams is one of the few poets/writers i have really gotten deep into, & this song, naturally, is nothing short of amazing.



(A healthy distrust)

(Will Oldham)
The force of my love was strong
the sea lion laying down long
the song in the air
why should singer care
when singer can be among song

(Sage Francis)
Ma, ma look what I did ma
Look what I did to my hands
I broke 'em
You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel
Didn't say how to hold 'em
Didn't say give away every piece of the puzzle
Till I was left with nothin'
But I took it upon myself to crush it up and distribute the dust
Get in the bus, hop in the van
Jump in the water, crawl to the land
Build another castle out of the sand
Break it down and then I get into the saddle again
Gone city to city
I'm already lost to the boss
Who is new in town
I'ma ride this horse till it bucks me off
And I'm forced to shoot it down
I'ma take him out for some gasoline
I'ma trade this cow for some magic beans
Make mom proud of the deals that I've made
Cause I'm just a modern day Johnny Appleseed
But I'm glad that I never passed the gins
And I never put down the axe
Piano man got checkered dance floor
The grace and the painful look on his face
Cause the crowd is packed
And the louder they clapped
The less he is able to make the connection
Between what he sees when he hears certain notes
And the hurt that is shown in his facial expression
I don't need your 'go-ahead' to go ahead
Y'all don't know if sales gon' be-easy
But sweet Jesus who wants to sleep with me
Way too many moves to learn
But not enough people to put 'em on
Look it mom
No hands
I built a suit of armor with wooden arms

(Will Oldham)
The force of my love was strong
the sea lion laying down long
the song in the air
why should singer care
when singer can be among song

(Saul Williams)
Oh God I think I’m dead
I can’t see outside my head
Brains and Bloods and cryptic gangmen,
czars and warlords breaking bread
Thoughts are thought, what’s said is said
I thought that (No, you said it)
I didn’t mean to think out loud, my tongue slipped
But who let it?
Let it be, let me be, let me go, naw let me out
My manhood nods and whispers
with my father’s screams and shouts
Dear dad I’m sad you’re dead,
a new man standing in the pulpit
He bows before a wooden cross
and forces praise the culprit
I’m a tenor, in the choir
but I sing a different song
of how the where’s and why’s of now
all prove I don’t belong
But I’m staying, I’ve planted seeds
and plan to watch them grow
I’ve watered all my wishes, dreams,
and filled more seeds to sow
And I promise to learn to love the way I learned to fear
To unknot all the inhibitions tangled in my hair
To let my ego mound in piles around the barber chair
and make a graceful exit from my vexed and troubled years.
I’ve decided I’ve been invited to my own resort
where knights can leave their armor neatly piled by the door
And every woman, child, and man will gather by the shore
and study how sea lions swim in cursive

i never learn.

so i woke up extra early to do a really lame paper i've known about for two weeks & is due in exactly one hour... typical melissa.

i need a makeover.

lookit! look at how way hotter i used to be! that was a whole FOUR years ago. i need a haircut, or at least a trim. i need a facial, to get my nails done-did, & new wardrobe. & speaking of clothes, i remember when i used to dress like a grandma- everyone made fun of me & now its "trendy." i remember not quite fitting in with the "rockers" because i listened to more alt & indie than metal, but now its hip to be hip & all originality has gone out the window. fuck urban outfitters & american apparel for making me feel generic. forrealz.

its sort of childish- like getting mad when a band or artist youve been loving for the longest gets blown up overnight by mtv or some other mind-numbing corporate institution that defines "cool." beyond that, its a matter of trying to cherish something that is yours alone, or at least you can pretend it is. until it becomes so hard to see something you love being exploited & raped by the mass media & general population that you just sort of become disillusioned by the whole thing & move on to the next until the cycle repeats itself. so maybe i dont really care about the artist, i just care about the art- dont cheapen it!

i need a job!

in my desperation, i will resort to whining about it on my blog in hopes that by some form of internet magic, someone with an opening or connections will see this & decide that i am the perfect candidate for employment.

i have ample experience in the administrative field as a receptionist, personal/office assistant, & in data entry. i also have experience in customer service & retail.

hook a brotha' up.
i got resumes!

the cheese stands alone

i spent the past weekend camping with about 15 people, some close friends, some not. i had a good time overall but oftentimes i found myself alone with my thoughts even when i was surrounded by people. cliche much? maybe it was the high, but i felt disconnected in a way where i was not sad, just pensive.

i am starting to question my friendships, which is something i rarely do. lately b. has been realizing that there are few people she has history with, be it friends or otherwise, but for me the thought process is going in reverse. i know too many people, i wouldnt consider half of them my friends, but a lot of these people would make it seem as such when theres no basis for it, whether that is for my benefit or for theirs varies case by case. the people that i do consider real friends, love me. i have felt this love & sometimes it feels like my heart will explode & i would do anything for these people... but now i am starting to question how they see me. i think i am a good friend, a good person. i am loving & loyal above all things, honest & trustworthy: that is how i see myself. my flaws are being selfish & possesive, i am always late & can be somewhat demanding. both positive & negative qualities are abundant, hopefully the positive outweigh the negative.

i want to know how i am perceived by my peers, & not in a superficial way at all. one can often think the world of themselves & because of it, be blind to the reality of their being. i try to be less selfish than is in my nature & more honest than most - but i can only help but wonder what others see through my actions, because surely they cannot hear my thoughts or feel what is contained in my heart. lately i have been trying harder to make certain that my everyday actions & interactions support the foundations of my convictions.

id like to believe that my friends would point out any issues they have with me, bring them to my attention so that i may attempt to better myself & turn those minuses into plus signs; but i am afraid of what they think of me, what horrible things they would have to say if all my paranoia is justified. i would like to know, but its the fear of never knowing that kills me. the fear of wasting my time with more people that will turn out not to give a fuck about me.





i feel like i am reverting back into myself, becoming concave somehow. its like im waiting for something to fill me up. drinking, drugs, dancing, friends, relationships, drawing, books, school & there is always something missing. maybe its me?

personal satisfaction

i want to write a lot more often than i actually sit down to do it. i guess i always doubt that i have something interesting to write about. i've never attempted the short story & frankly i dont think i could even do it. writing to me is more cathartic than anything, i write to get things off my chest & usually it turns into ambiguous rants about my life. i used to write poetry, if you could even call it that. i always felt extremely uncomfortable sharing it with anyone other than rosanna. my thoughts seemed to revealing to risk sharing with anyone other than my best friend. that was a long time ago, i cant even remember the last time i tried to work on a poem or some sort of prose. my life was way more dramatic back then, or at least it seemed that way when i was 18. i remember when my friend vera & i would sit on aim & write together, lyrics for our fantasy band, that is how i started writing things for myself. looking back, it was all very cliche.

two nights ago, i wrote my ex a long myspace message telling him the whole truth about how i've felt since our breakup & our attempts to remain friends. i dont think i have ever regretted clicking the "send" button so much in my entire life. i meant everything that i wrote, but i realized that writing it out was all i needed to make myself feel at ease with the situation. as it turns out, through some sort of myspace miracle, the message was never sent out into the inter-verse. i think it was life's way of telling me that i dont always have to affect someone else with my emotions for them to be validated.

my lovely crutch

when I'm high, I feel so much more aware of myself than I typically do. I hear everything that I am doing much louder than it probably is, chewing a pringle, swallowing my vitamin water. I hear myself so loudly when I speak but even those close by can't hear what I'm saying. it feels like I'm shouting! sometimes I take trips on a tangent in my own mind & get lost where it takes me. "where was I going with this?" the thought process is a scenic landscape. I can talk about pain & it no longer feels like misery but like beauty, part of an epic battle taking place inside me & spilling out into the world. I just feel rational & I can actually see through the smoke. my head races but there's peace. home in a strange place.

i've been feeling a lot like this lately

a few weeks ago i had a silly falling out with my friend cheeno thanks to my pms & emotionalness. when we finally got to talk it out, we smoked a blunt & watched this lame karate kid type movie called "never back down." this song was on the soundtrack & it sort of makes up for the time wasted watching the movie. the first verse pretty much describes my life, ugh.

"The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway."

alley cats

i was smoking a cigarette on the front steps & a stray cat happened to stop in front of me. he stopped right in front of me, looked me in the eyes & meowed- it almost too much to bear. usually i would have been ultra-creeped. you see, i have this silly notion that stray cats can see into your soul... but enough about my psychosis. there are tons of stray cats in my neighborhood & lately i have found myself more compassionate towards their plight. the cats have rosanna to thank; she is always telling me about all the strays that she befriends late nights in her back alley.

so! kitty & i exchanged flirty glances for a bit, & i decided i would be muster up the courage to try & pet him/her... success! i could tell kitty was scared, but he nudged his head towards my hand & i knew it was consensual. i called my mom to deliver my uneaten salmon from that night's dinner, along with a saucer of milk for the pretty kitty. it must have been starving, because kitty ate the entire meal, even licked the plate [/aluminum foil.] after that, kitty was all over me. needless to say, i got mad pussy.

this may sound stupid or lame, but knowing that i made a difference in kitty's nightly quest for food totally warmed my heart. it would rub up against my leg & cock his head towards me, purring, & i knew it was showing gratitude the best way that it could. he was so easily frightened by loud noises & sudden movements, giving off that vulnerable vibe that always emanates from abused animals. i felt so bad when i finally had to walk away from it & abandon it like it's former owners must have. a few weeks ago, rosanna & i spotted one of the neighborhood cats after a brawl. one of his eyes was almost gouged out & his left ear was completely ripped off. we were pretty much crying over it. its depressing to notice so much suffering. to realize & to feel it everyday, even in creatures that could easily be dismissed as unimportant, they still suffer.

i just want to do something good.

schemes

i made $50 today by helping someone run a scheme on home depot. i didnt do anything illegal, but the person i was "working" for definitely does lots of illegal things in order to make his money. living in jackson heights has opened my eyes to all the creative schemes immigrants have to cook up in order to make a decent living. i can only imagine how badly it must suck(!) to have your very existance in a country be criminilized just because you lack a piece of paper (or quite a few pieces.) im not going to start ranting about immigration policy & wages, maybe next time. for now, i just want to say that i definitely admire their resilience & survival tactics.

FAIL.

i fainted in the street last night.

after my all-day sunday hangover, monday was spent drinking coffee & chain smoking in my room. i was walking to play lounge to do 2 hours of training for my old/new job as a cocktail waitress, & my nerves got the best of me, so i decided to smoke a clip. i had not smoked weed or had a meal since saturday. i was so fucking high & i hadn't even finished smoking. i decided to put it out & keep walking. i got to the entrance of play & had a mini panic attack- i couldnt go inside, i was too stoned!

i walked away from play & started feeling really lightheaded & weak. i could barely walk anymore & everything was blurry, i couldnt keep my eyes open or even stand up any longer. i knew i needed to take a break so i sat on the brick ledge of a fence... & thats the last thing i remember before waking up face down on the concrete.

it took me a while before i realized what happened. i tried to stand up & keep walking but my body couldnt make it farther than the corner. i collapsed indian-style on the floor & started crying, my head was pounding. i didnt know what happened or how i was going to get home in the state i was in. my face got scraped up, as well as my knuckles & elbow. everytime i tried to stand up, my vision would go dark & my knees would buckle & i couldnt walk more than a few steps before i felt like i would collapse. luckily, alberto was able to pick me up & take me home to my mama.

she carried me inside & layed me down, but since i hit my head she wouldnt let me go to sleep & i didnt want to go to the hospital. she gave me something to eat & drink but i was still fading. after a while, she let me rest but she was checking up on me every few minutes to make sure i was still conscious.

nothing like this has ever happened to me. my mom has always told me to take care of myself & try to be healthier because "un dia te vas a desmayar en la calle"- i cant believe it actually happened this way. anyone knows that im not a physically weak person, quite the opposite, but i guess everything just caught up with me at the wrong moment.

my face:

it doesnt look as bad as it felt.

dead for 2 months & 7 days

one of the most sinking feelings i have ever experienced throughout my life comes from accepting that the person that i love no longer loves me back.





"Not everything happens for a reason, I know that it sounds appealing when you lose something that's not replaceable."

not naming names

i am probably giving some people more attention that they deserve, but sometimes i cannot help but to wonder why some people behave they way they do. i've known people that are so conniving & deceitful, & oftentimes it seems directed more so towards those that they would call "friends," people they supposedly care for. life is complicated enough without having to watch your back around your own peoples.

there's such a disgustingly complacent attitude towards actions that cannot be described as anything other than malicious. i would never let anyone whom openly disrespects my friends into my life, & i dont expect any less in return. i will not tolerate disloyalty, & even if it takes me cycles & cycles of friends to find out who is trueblue, then so be it... & fuck everyone that says, "they never did anything wrong to me." fuck you. its you & people like you that are responsible for all the world's atrocities, because it's never a problem until it happens to you. --lethargic devils! that is a cowardly & horribly apathetic way to go through life.

you're no better than the people you associate yourself with; so what does it say about you when all your friends are well-renowned as junkies, thieves, liars, & whores?

this generation is far too busy trying to wear the trendiest pseudo-vintage outfits to contemplate any serious moral & philosophical questions that could open up beautiful worlds & enrich your pathetic, coke-fueled existences.

who are you?
what do you stand for?

a conversation last night brought to my attention that i have not accomplished either of my two resolutions for 2008; to quit smoking & to find a job.

as i type this, i am smoking a ciggarette.
i am blogging instead of being on craigslist OR actually getting off my ass & job hunting the old-fashioned way.

pretty much everything wrong with my life is in my control. in other words, i am the one to blame. i am responsible, or better yet, irresponsible for this mess - & getting myself out of it!





im going to take a nap.

if at first you don't suceed...

try, try again.

deviantART

I made an account: http://lasensi.deviantart.com/

I made it primarily to comment & bullshit on my friends' pages, but also to post some of my own work. I dont draw nearly as much as i used to, but that was many years ago. I want to fall back into drawing & improving on my natural abilities.

I'm going back to school next week; my classes start on Monday. It's really important for me to do well & correct my collegiate mistakes of the past. I feel like the past 4 years of my life have been an absolute waste of time. When I look back, I feel that I am still in the same place, laying stagnant. It's time to make those necessary changes.

I'm going to complete my first year of college at the age of 22 & I'm finally starting to realize my own potential.