BWAR.

it is easy to use contrived & cryptic phrases to conceal an ideology devoid of any valid reasoning, meaning, or purpose- to rebel against everything & yet stand up for nothing. you demand action, promoting free thought while predicating how others should be as careless as you wish you could be. one cannot in good conscience submit to a philosophy of indifference, one of the greatest of evils.

you have the free spirit of a judge holding inquisitions.
reserve your judgments for those that cannot see past the transparency of your words.

it's been a while

so, its christmas eve afternoon. i am not a religious person, but i do appreciate christmas for its decorative aspects, the delicious food, & spending time with family, which i only seem to do on holidays. this christmas will be different in terms that it is the first time in a long time that my mother & i will not be joining my aunt & cousins for dinner. we are having our very own christmas at home, just the two of us.

i find it hard to spend time alone with my mother, & at this time of year it always makes me feel guilty. no matter how much we try to get along, our personalities clash & we end up getting into fights over silly things, such as the tone of my voice, or her old-fashioned ideas about life & how i should behave. i hope tonight will be different. i hope we can have a good time together & actually enjoy each others company for once.

i have realized that i resent my mother for a lot of things. the mistakes she has made in her life have affected mine as well, that is a given. although she does everything within her power to make sure that i am well taken care of, i am usually unappreciative. i hold so many grudges against her, & i realize that this is unfair. she begrudges me as well, but i know it is only because she expects so much more from me, as well she should; because throughout my life she has always supported, encouraged, & provided me with the tools to build a better life & future for myself, for both of us.

i want to change. i have to change, because our relationship cannot continue in this manner. my mother has always treated me like a princess, even now when we have close to nothing, she spoils me every way that she can - but that is not fair to her, at this point in my life i need to be able to take care of myself & spoil her a little too. i have to overcome my laziness & these undeserved feelings of entitlement. i need to become an asset to the household, rather than a detriment. i think one of my new years resolution will be just that, to be a better daughter, one deserving of her love.