the usual revelation

i complain too much.

i need to grow the fuck up- give up my idealized views of the people that surround me, we are all human & humans hurt & deceive each other. i live in a fantasy world where you're all on a pedestal until your own flailing knocks you off. this isn't fair to anyone, even to myself. i would feel much less pained by all of this if i was a tad more realistic about the nature of humanity. on the flip side, ive been quick to give people the snip-snip & cut them out of my life. these days i have no tolerance for anything or anyone.

im terribly unhealthy, i have to start taking care of myself better so that i don't die of cancer. im trying to quit smoking cigarettes but its mainly because i can no longer afford them, but i guess i am better off.

they say things always get worse before they get better, so hopefully this is when they start getting better. i feel like the universe is testing my will.

"it's your duty to overcome what you inherit in life. am i going to be the master of my fate or its victim? i'm not going to be its victim... though ive felt victimized- A LOT."

woe is me.

i never have anything to write about. actually i probably have a lot of things to write about but lately i haven't found it therapeutic to write about things that are upsetting me. bullet points are helpful. such as, i will never purchase important textbooks from amazon.com again. faulty sellers/shipping might cause my academic downfall of '08. i have an academic downfall every year that i attempt to go to school & this year, when im actually trying quite hard, circumstances that are beyond my control result in an epic FAIL. i just found out that i am a day late to withdraw from my stats class so i will have to take an 'F' grade up the ass with no lube which may put my financial aid in jeopardy seeing as im already on academic probation... i guess that was more than a bullet. this whole textbook situation has been driving me crazy since the semester began & at this point is keeping me so far behind on my work that I've been feeling extremely hopeless, depressed, & unmotivated. & by extremely i just mean, more than usual. thus, i have been finding it harder to take care of my limited responsibilities such as attending class & keeping peace with my mama. our relationship has been more than strained as of late. in fact, she wished death upon me the other day. i try not to take it seriously & blame the menopause but the truth is that im pretty much an ungrateful, selfish, & shitty daughter. i hear the first step on the road to recovery is acceptance, but what is step 2?

horrible morning.

i wish i could talk to you. i want to know why you did it. do you regret it? is there still a "you" to speak of? you cant call someone selfish for feeling this way. i get so upset when someone has the nerve to call you selfish, because only you know the pain in your heart & mind. we are the selfish ones. i will never be angry about what you did. i feel like i've always understood you, i've understood why because i feel it inside of me. this struggle to live, sometimes its unbearable. what is it worth?

my beautiful sunny, i wish you were here. i wish i was there, or anywhere else.

first A of fall

for lack of more interesting thoughts, i decided to post my first paper of the semester. it is not a very compelling or even interesting paper, but neither was the assignment. my philosophy professor is both beautiful & boring.

anyways, i have bhagli to thank for providing the intellectual stimulation i needed to complete this paper one hour before it was due.

this was the aim conversation that turned into my paper: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=227691763&blogID=437803209

& here is the finished product:

The following dialogue is a discussion between myself and the protagonist, Bhagli Suren, over the topic of Nature Vs. Nurture. The following is my attempt to determine Bhagli’s stance on the matter, and conclude whether or not her views on this topic are based on fallacies or illogical contradictions. Through this dialectic, I will employ the Socratic Method to settle conclusively if Bhagli’s argument makes sense in a philosophical and logical perspective.

Melissa: Bhagli, I am wondering what your opinion is on the infamous nature versus nurture debate. Which of these do you think is the primary element that shapes an individual?
Bhagli: I say nurture shapes the individual more than nature because skills and attitudes can always be learned and honed. People aren't born with hate or love. We’re a neutral canvas at birth. It’s our experiences and relationships with others that help mold us into the people we will become as adults.
Melissa: interesting deduction, Bhagli. Would you go as far as to say that nature does not in fact have any impact on an individual's personality?
Bhagli: Yes, because how and where you grow up will determine whom you will become. For example, your environment, such as being poor in a third world country as opposed to well off in a first world country. Religion, racism, all these things are taught. A character trait, such as kindness, is taught.
Melissa: I understand that our environment does play a role in influencing our thoughts and actions; however, what would you say about people who do not conform to the ideals of their family and society? Are you in fact, saying that we are merely products of our environment?
Bhagli: Of course, because even anarchy requires an action against nurture. Nonconformity and denial of your societal and familial state require some sort of acknowledgment of your surroundings, so in turn, even if you go against the grain, you're still being affected by the ideas put forth.
Melissa: So where would you say this rebellious attitude could come from? If your family and society has taught you everything that you know about the world, from whence would the idea develop that would question these grand authorities? By simple reason, it must be something that is naturally developed in the mind of the individual, without influence from these outside sources. Are you in fact saying that individual thought and reason does not exist if even an act of rebellion would be considered as “conformist” under your logic?
Bhagli: I would say at this point in time, most rebellious and individual thoughts have been deduced to just a reconstruction/revision of history. So one is probably conforming to something that has already happened. Individual thought is possible, but every choice is a response to what is given to us by our environment. Therefore, individual thought, like this one that I am having, an opinion, is the birth of an idea from an pre-conceived notion that already exists.
Melissa: Well, your statements in themselves, reveal an interesting contradiction. At some point, an individual thought, exclusive to any outside influences, must have been formed, without this, mankind would have never been able to develop so many different value sets. So although I see your point on this matter, I still believe that our own genetics and natural, birth-given qualities also have an effect on us outside of our environmental influences.
Bhagli: I disagree, can you provide an example of where nature can surpass the effects forced onto the individual through familial and societal influences?
Melissa: Surely, I will. For instance, many modern scientists and genealogy experts would argue that homosexuality is a genetic trait. In the past and oftentimes it still occurs today, homosexuals have been considered banes of society and have been greatly discriminated against. Many people lose the support of their families, religious circles, and in extreme cases even face harassment and violence due to their sexuality. If you are arguing that nurture is the one and only determiner of an individual, why would anyone in their right mind, “choose” this kind of lifestyle and sexual preference?. Many homosexuals, despite their breeding, which may have pushed them towards a more socially accepted preference, would say that they were “born gay.” Would you deny these people’s deepest instincts and say that sexuality is nothing but a choice? Did you, “choose” to be straight, or is it something that was natural and instinctual for you?
Bhagli: Well, Melissa, even if you are born homosexual, it is nurture that will determine how and if you “come out” at all. However, that is one aspect of the discussion that I had not yet thought of. We really have no say in our sexuality... physical pleasure/needs are the most natural (even if taboo) part of being human, and of being in the most blatant of terms, an animal. We choose who we can love but as for the raw basics, for example, what gender our partner will be, is the most instinctual aspect of desire. So perhaps, you are right in the end, and both nature and nurture play a part in our personal development, even if it might not be an equal distribution.
Melissa: Thank you, Bhagli. All I ask is that from now on, you keep an open mind and realize that although we may be products of our environment, we also have an individual will and under the power of our own natural instincts we can fight the forces in our lives that try to hold us at bay from coming to our own conclusions.

professor pretty called my writing elegant... swoon*

comfort zone.

sometimes closure can come in the most unexpected of ways.

for nana!

...because we all hate her. even jason bourne! this cracked me up.

matt damon for president!



*actuary tables= remaining life expectancy for people at different ages

sea lion

this is pretty dope. i dont know how long ago this dropped, but i just discovered it & once again i am blown away by these spoken word poets turned rappers. saul williams is one of the few poets/writers i have really gotten deep into, & this song, naturally, is nothing short of amazing.



(A healthy distrust)

(Will Oldham)
The force of my love was strong
the sea lion laying down long
the song in the air
why should singer care
when singer can be among song

(Sage Francis)
Ma, ma look what I did ma
Look what I did to my hands
I broke 'em
You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel
Didn't say how to hold 'em
Didn't say give away every piece of the puzzle
Till I was left with nothin'
But I took it upon myself to crush it up and distribute the dust
Get in the bus, hop in the van
Jump in the water, crawl to the land
Build another castle out of the sand
Break it down and then I get into the saddle again
Gone city to city
I'm already lost to the boss
Who is new in town
I'ma ride this horse till it bucks me off
And I'm forced to shoot it down
I'ma take him out for some gasoline
I'ma trade this cow for some magic beans
Make mom proud of the deals that I've made
Cause I'm just a modern day Johnny Appleseed
But I'm glad that I never passed the gins
And I never put down the axe
Piano man got checkered dance floor
The grace and the painful look on his face
Cause the crowd is packed
And the louder they clapped
The less he is able to make the connection
Between what he sees when he hears certain notes
And the hurt that is shown in his facial expression
I don't need your 'go-ahead' to go ahead
Y'all don't know if sales gon' be-easy
But sweet Jesus who wants to sleep with me
Way too many moves to learn
But not enough people to put 'em on
Look it mom
No hands
I built a suit of armor with wooden arms

(Will Oldham)
The force of my love was strong
the sea lion laying down long
the song in the air
why should singer care
when singer can be among song

(Saul Williams)
Oh God I think I’m dead
I can’t see outside my head
Brains and Bloods and cryptic gangmen,
czars and warlords breaking bread
Thoughts are thought, what’s said is said
I thought that (No, you said it)
I didn’t mean to think out loud, my tongue slipped
But who let it?
Let it be, let me be, let me go, naw let me out
My manhood nods and whispers
with my father’s screams and shouts
Dear dad I’m sad you’re dead,
a new man standing in the pulpit
He bows before a wooden cross
and forces praise the culprit
I’m a tenor, in the choir
but I sing a different song
of how the where’s and why’s of now
all prove I don’t belong
But I’m staying, I’ve planted seeds
and plan to watch them grow
I’ve watered all my wishes, dreams,
and filled more seeds to sow
And I promise to learn to love the way I learned to fear
To unknot all the inhibitions tangled in my hair
To let my ego mound in piles around the barber chair
and make a graceful exit from my vexed and troubled years.
I’ve decided I’ve been invited to my own resort
where knights can leave their armor neatly piled by the door
And every woman, child, and man will gather by the shore
and study how sea lions swim in cursive

i never learn.

so i woke up extra early to do a really lame paper i've known about for two weeks & is due in exactly one hour... typical melissa.