i need a makeover.

lookit! look at how way hotter i used to be! that was a whole FOUR years ago. i need a haircut, or at least a trim. i need a facial, to get my nails done-did, & new wardrobe. & speaking of clothes, i remember when i used to dress like a grandma- everyone made fun of me & now its "trendy." i remember not quite fitting in with the "rockers" because i listened to more alt & indie than metal, but now its hip to be hip & all originality has gone out the window. fuck urban outfitters & american apparel for making me feel generic. forrealz.

its sort of childish- like getting mad when a band or artist youve been loving for the longest gets blown up overnight by mtv or some other mind-numbing corporate institution that defines "cool." beyond that, its a matter of trying to cherish something that is yours alone, or at least you can pretend it is. until it becomes so hard to see something you love being exploited & raped by the mass media & general population that you just sort of become disillusioned by the whole thing & move on to the next until the cycle repeats itself. so maybe i dont really care about the artist, i just care about the art- dont cheapen it!

i need a job!

in my desperation, i will resort to whining about it on my blog in hopes that by some form of internet magic, someone with an opening or connections will see this & decide that i am the perfect candidate for employment.

i have ample experience in the administrative field as a receptionist, personal/office assistant, & in data entry. i also have experience in customer service & retail.

hook a brotha' up.
i got resumes!

the cheese stands alone

i spent the past weekend camping with about 15 people, some close friends, some not. i had a good time overall but oftentimes i found myself alone with my thoughts even when i was surrounded by people. cliche much? maybe it was the high, but i felt disconnected in a way where i was not sad, just pensive.

i am starting to question my friendships, which is something i rarely do. lately b. has been realizing that there are few people she has history with, be it friends or otherwise, but for me the thought process is going in reverse. i know too many people, i wouldnt consider half of them my friends, but a lot of these people would make it seem as such when theres no basis for it, whether that is for my benefit or for theirs varies case by case. the people that i do consider real friends, love me. i have felt this love & sometimes it feels like my heart will explode & i would do anything for these people... but now i am starting to question how they see me. i think i am a good friend, a good person. i am loving & loyal above all things, honest & trustworthy: that is how i see myself. my flaws are being selfish & possesive, i am always late & can be somewhat demanding. both positive & negative qualities are abundant, hopefully the positive outweigh the negative.

i want to know how i am perceived by my peers, & not in a superficial way at all. one can often think the world of themselves & because of it, be blind to the reality of their being. i try to be less selfish than is in my nature & more honest than most - but i can only help but wonder what others see through my actions, because surely they cannot hear my thoughts or feel what is contained in my heart. lately i have been trying harder to make certain that my everyday actions & interactions support the foundations of my convictions.

id like to believe that my friends would point out any issues they have with me, bring them to my attention so that i may attempt to better myself & turn those minuses into plus signs; but i am afraid of what they think of me, what horrible things they would have to say if all my paranoia is justified. i would like to know, but its the fear of never knowing that kills me. the fear of wasting my time with more people that will turn out not to give a fuck about me.





i feel like i am reverting back into myself, becoming concave somehow. its like im waiting for something to fill me up. drinking, drugs, dancing, friends, relationships, drawing, books, school & there is always something missing. maybe its me?

personal satisfaction

i want to write a lot more often than i actually sit down to do it. i guess i always doubt that i have something interesting to write about. i've never attempted the short story & frankly i dont think i could even do it. writing to me is more cathartic than anything, i write to get things off my chest & usually it turns into ambiguous rants about my life. i used to write poetry, if you could even call it that. i always felt extremely uncomfortable sharing it with anyone other than rosanna. my thoughts seemed to revealing to risk sharing with anyone other than my best friend. that was a long time ago, i cant even remember the last time i tried to work on a poem or some sort of prose. my life was way more dramatic back then, or at least it seemed that way when i was 18. i remember when my friend vera & i would sit on aim & write together, lyrics for our fantasy band, that is how i started writing things for myself. looking back, it was all very cliche.

two nights ago, i wrote my ex a long myspace message telling him the whole truth about how i've felt since our breakup & our attempts to remain friends. i dont think i have ever regretted clicking the "send" button so much in my entire life. i meant everything that i wrote, but i realized that writing it out was all i needed to make myself feel at ease with the situation. as it turns out, through some sort of myspace miracle, the message was never sent out into the inter-verse. i think it was life's way of telling me that i dont always have to affect someone else with my emotions for them to be validated.

my lovely crutch

when I'm high, I feel so much more aware of myself than I typically do. I hear everything that I am doing much louder than it probably is, chewing a pringle, swallowing my vitamin water. I hear myself so loudly when I speak but even those close by can't hear what I'm saying. it feels like I'm shouting! sometimes I take trips on a tangent in my own mind & get lost where it takes me. "where was I going with this?" the thought process is a scenic landscape. I can talk about pain & it no longer feels like misery but like beauty, part of an epic battle taking place inside me & spilling out into the world. I just feel rational & I can actually see through the smoke. my head races but there's peace. home in a strange place.

i've been feeling a lot like this lately

a few weeks ago i had a silly falling out with my friend cheeno thanks to my pms & emotionalness. when we finally got to talk it out, we smoked a blunt & watched this lame karate kid type movie called "never back down." this song was on the soundtrack & it sort of makes up for the time wasted watching the movie. the first verse pretty much describes my life, ugh.

"The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway."

alley cats

i was smoking a cigarette on the front steps & a stray cat happened to stop in front of me. he stopped right in front of me, looked me in the eyes & meowed- it almost too much to bear. usually i would have been ultra-creeped. you see, i have this silly notion that stray cats can see into your soul... but enough about my psychosis. there are tons of stray cats in my neighborhood & lately i have found myself more compassionate towards their plight. the cats have rosanna to thank; she is always telling me about all the strays that she befriends late nights in her back alley.

so! kitty & i exchanged flirty glances for a bit, & i decided i would be muster up the courage to try & pet him/her... success! i could tell kitty was scared, but he nudged his head towards my hand & i knew it was consensual. i called my mom to deliver my uneaten salmon from that night's dinner, along with a saucer of milk for the pretty kitty. it must have been starving, because kitty ate the entire meal, even licked the plate [/aluminum foil.] after that, kitty was all over me. needless to say, i got mad pussy.

this may sound stupid or lame, but knowing that i made a difference in kitty's nightly quest for food totally warmed my heart. it would rub up against my leg & cock his head towards me, purring, & i knew it was showing gratitude the best way that it could. he was so easily frightened by loud noises & sudden movements, giving off that vulnerable vibe that always emanates from abused animals. i felt so bad when i finally had to walk away from it & abandon it like it's former owners must have. a few weeks ago, rosanna & i spotted one of the neighborhood cats after a brawl. one of his eyes was almost gouged out & his left ear was completely ripped off. we were pretty much crying over it. its depressing to notice so much suffering. to realize & to feel it everyday, even in creatures that could easily be dismissed as unimportant, they still suffer.

i just want to do something good.