i need to stop wallowing.

i hear its not normal to have recurring suicidal thoughts.

more often than not, i feel like i'm just going through the motions & perpetuating my sub-conscious self-destruction.

i have to tell my friend at least once a week that even though he is an ex-con, homeless, scarred, & hopeless, that he has intelligence, loved ones, & boundless potential. i tell him that these things alone are reasons to live & keep striving for something better than becoming a casualty of his mistakes & the sort of life that was dealt to him. does it make me a hypocrite because i dont have the same hope for myself?

i have a mother that would do anything for me, family & friends i can count on (for the most part), an able body in working order, a bed to sleep in... but pep talks & bullet points aren't enough. nothing is ever enough for me to feel like my life has a chance for improvement. i am jealous of people with drive & passion because i have none. i dont want to be uneducated, stuck in some menial job, being responsible & unhappy for the rest of my life, but i have no ambition for anything else. part of me thinks i can change the course of my life, but an even bigger part of me feels doomed to suffer in this stagnancy.

maybe some people really do need to be medicated for emotional imbalances & maybe, just maybe, i am one of them.

15x

as pretentious as they may be, hipsters are some of the nicest people. i lost my wallet this weekend & for the second time, it was kindly returned to me. the good samaritan actually looked me up & messaged me on facebook... thank you, nikki bagli!

across from where i met nikki to pick up my wallet was a smoke shop called FUGEDABOUDIT where i purchased a gram of 10x salvia for my friends & i. we took a few hits but it wasnt strong enough for any of us to hallucinate. my friend had some 15x potency salvia leftover from a couple of months ago & let me smoke it since i was disappointed that i wasnt able to trip... this is the result:



i wish i could describe what was happening to me. even before i let the smoke out, i saw the world warping around me & all of a sudden, i was in a different place. reality was paint dripping, swirling, splashing in vivid colors, all around me, within me. i was becoming part of the animation that was this fantasy world & i felt myself, my being, melting into a scene of some cartoon. colors, dripping into my eyes, my mouth & being dragged down & drowning in them, trying to feel my limbs & regain control of my own entity before i ceased to exist & all consciousness & free thought would end as i became an insignificant drop of paint. i struggled to free myself of goopy paint ropes binding me, the world was ripped at the seams & i caught a glimpse of my friends flying in a dimension above me, in the real world, where i belonged & could actually exist. do i exist? fuck. this isnt right, was that real?

salvia is one helluva drug.

shame shame shame

recent developments have made me realize that i have changed a lot & not for the better! must improve.

love too late

i dont want this to turn into an aching-heart blog, but my heart aches.

i think i made the right decision, at the cost of love & hopeless romanticism, but i guess this way, you never really win.

not much.

its been over a month since i have written anything so i will try to do a random thoughts update.

i have found a lucrative, but rather unstable way to make money. the job itself resides in a morally gray area, so i wont go into the details. not to worry, i am not selling any of my orifices.

a conversation with the wife last night has made me realize that my eXXX has ruined me for future relationships. not that i am at all devastated, those feelings are long gone. the problem is that i cant seem to find anyone to hold my attention. actually, i suppose that isn't even the problem, as i am not looking for another distraction. the problem starts when i become the romance seeker's reluctant discovery, i am not a treasure. i just cant respect anyone who would seriously want to date me at this point in my life. i am a mess & i don't want anyone's help cleaning up. maybe its not the right time, or the right person, but at this moment, i am just generally disinterested in romantic affections.

summer is almost here, despite what today's weather would have you believe. i need a bike, a tan, & to lose 10 pounds.

blind.

I wear contacts. they're supposed to be disposed of biweekly, but I wear them until my eyes get irritated & simply replace the old with the new. I NEVER take them out otherwise. this is supposed to be really bad for your eyeball health, but I've done it for years. Last time I saw the optometrist, he said my vison has hardly deteriorated, that my eyes are really healthy, & was thus commended for "taking such good care" of my contacts. crazy, right?

the downside: sometimes when my eyes get irritated, either by makeup or old contacts, I can't even bear to have anything on/in my eyes... even blinking hurts! usually I wait a day with only one seeing, contact covered eye before I put both new ones in. I do this because my glasses are not cute & broken, besides. well! last night I had to remove my right contact due to irritation, & when I woke up today my I had to do the same for my left eye. so... I have been wearing my broken glasses all day at home, glasses with only one arm, so its really tricky trying to keep them on my face with the lenses in front of both eyes.

I'm not opposed to glasses. I used to be, but now I'm slightly more confident with my appearance & think I look kinda cute in them. alas, my glasses are one-armed! I want new ones, the kind with those thick frames that all the trendy ghetto bitches wear. I don't care, I like them.

I lost track of this post. the point is, my eyesight is terrible! wearing my contacts 24/7 has made me forget how little I can actually see without them. I have slight double vision when I try to look at things up close, which I dont remember ever happening before, & even huge letters are blurry or even unrecognizable from just a few feet away. it really sucks, really, really. even though the doctor said my eyes were doing well, I feel terrible because I know I will always have to wear glasses or contacts, & that eventually my god-given sight may turn into old-age-blindness. this is so depressing, I just want to be able to see. I think about world devastation & the chances of surviving in a world with no luxuries like disposable contacts & I am truly terrified. its silly, but these are the type of thoughs that run laps in my brain.

someone pay for my lazik surgery so I have a chance against the feral dogs.

the baby.

On saturday I came face to face with a ghost from my past. He looked at me through low lids & glazed eyes, through thick, dark eyelashes which I always both loved & envied. For the first time in years this ghost stood in front of me, finally tangible. He embraced me with outstretched arms & the rest of the world disappeared in a fog of crying girlfriends, bikes, strangers & subway noises. I was intoxicated in his arms, sinking deep into a sea of forgotten feelings, letting myself drown in them.

I don't remember the words spoken, only arms, hands, lips, eyelashes. The memory has a dreamlike quality which was created with equal parts scotch, whiskey, surprise, & nostalgia - but the main ingredient is something entirely different. It is something indescribable that I will futilely attempt to describe as magic, mysterious, illogical. You don't believe in it unless you see it for yourself, unless you experience it & realize there is no other way to explain it, it just is what it is, magic. Its magic that makes you forget the way you used to be frustrated & jealous, the way you used to cry & ache, & how long it took you to accept that he was never yours to keep. Magic or chemistry. Magic or pheromones. It hangs like a cloud & floats invisibly in the air waiting for two unsuspecting people to walk into it & hug each other on the subway platform at the 14th street station. Some mystical force that causes former-lovers & now-strangers to hold each other & kiss with liquor-coated tongues all the way from Union Square to somewhere-Uptown, where the spell is broken once the ghost reaches his stop & says goodnight. No longer in a dream, faces of friends materialize with puzzled expressions.

"What was that?"

How can you explain something you don't truly understand? Like how one person can claim a space in your heart without ever paying your emotional rental fees. How can you explain feelings for no reason, feelings that don't fade with time? Feelings that have no expectations, those that are boundless. Love that asks for nothing & gives nothing in return. Love disguised as a ghost that tries too hard to sound indifferent when he calls & asks if you remember kissing him, even though you know he would be offended if you said you didn't.