Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"exploring numerology: life by the numbers"
juan gave me his numerology book. the website i used was pretty good but the book has so much more info so now i can delve even deeper & drive myself crazy!
numerology profile
i couldnt sleep last night so i decided to start calculating my numerology profile. i wish i knew how to explain this in my own words or better yet, the way my friend explained it to me & connected it with astrology & supreme mathematics, but i am just a novice.
Life Path Number: This number represents who you are at birth and the native traits that you will carry with you through life. The most important number that will be discussed here is your Life Path number. The Life Path describes the nature of this journey through life.
3 (3, 12/3, 21,/3, 30/3)
The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.
Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.
The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.
There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.
In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.
Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.
For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.
Destiny Number: Destiny is a very descriptive word for the meaning of the this important core element. This is the number that describes the tasks that you must achieve in this lifetime using the name that was given to you by your parents. This name, the complete birth name, symbolizes the opportunities you have at your disposal. This is sometimes referred to as your potential or destiny. Living up to attributes of this number may not be easy, but it is your goal in the here and now. It is your life's purpose, spiritual mission, and your field of opportunity. Unlike the Life Path number which reads as you are, the Destiny number more correctly reads as you MUST or what you can aspire to become.
9 (9, 18/9, 27/9, 36/9, 45/9, 54/9)
The number 9 Destiny suggests that the direction of growth in your lifetime will be in benevolent activities, in compassion, and in worldly understanding. You are living up to and growing toward your Destiny when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others.
You must be willing to help others as you were intended to be the "big brother or big sister" type. You must work well with people, for you have the potential to inspire.
Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this Destiny. Career fields in which you can excel are many and include advisory roles, medicine, legal fields, artistic fields, diplomacy, and religion.
Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important. Your personal ambitions must be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and preserving a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural Destiny in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others.
Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 Destiny can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this Destiny.
Soul Urge Number: The Soul Urge or as it is sometimes called, the heart's desire, is an important core influence in numerology. However, the Soul Urge falls well below the Lifepath (the birth date number) and Destiny (the full birth name) numbers in importance, because this is a number that you don't expose overtly to those around you. It is your inner cravings, likes and dislikes, which are usually kept rather private. This number denotes what you value most regardless of Life Path (what you are from birth) and expression (what you will become in life). This influence suggests the nature that drives you in your daily life. Satisfying the demands of the Soul Urge will give you a sense of inner peace and contentment.
2... With a 2 Soul Urge, you have a deep inner need for love and harmony in your life. Resolving problems using mediation and diplomacy produces a warm sense of achievement. When you avoid the pain of stress and conflict, you are well on the road to feeling fulfilled.
Inner Dreams Number: The sum of the consonants in your name relates a secret dream, your inner desires, or maybe even fantasies. As a modifier, this aspect of your chart may be considered less important than many of the others because often these remote and deep-seated dreams are never realized. Sometimes, however, when this number has a relationship to another core number, the dream can come true. Strangely, this number is also associated with your personality or how people see you on first meetings. This number may be so strong in your subconscious that you even project the trait as a personality mask.
7... You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.
Birthdate Number: The birthday is a supporting influence added to the Life Path. Think of it as a modifier to the Life Path. These are traits that you brought into this life much as with the more important and dominating traits shown by the Life Path. Here is your birthday and the modifying traits shown by it:
23... With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. Your mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility. Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.
Planes of Expression- Modes: The word expression used here really means activity or how we act.
Creative/Adaptable: The combination of most of the letters in the creative and Adaptable mode suggests that you are a person who is inclined toward constant activity, but this activity must provide variety and change. Your efforts are directed at the here and now, but decision-making can sometimes be a problem. You are likely to act immediately on issues that come to your attention, but not without paying attention to the lessons from the past. Sometimes, you may dwell on the past a little too long. Positively expressed, creative letters produce constructive initiative, while the Adaptable tone allows you to always be flexible. You are able to fit easily into most situations, and you produce results wherever you fit in. You are devoted rather than ambitious.
Temperament: The four distinct temperament factors differentiate individuals and determine how we will go about the conduct of our lives.
Mental = Average: Your name shows substantial strength in the mental plane suggesting that you have the ability to think things through carefully before making a decision. You have little difficulty handling mental activities even when they become technical and complex. You are comfortable in a leadership role, but this may not necessarily be an essential to your well-being.
Physical = Average: You are essentially a common sense person with a concern for the practical and the economical use of resources and assets. You have the ability to stick with a job and get it done even if it is not all fun and games. You have a healthy competitive spirit which serves you well without going overboard. Your ability to concentrate on the task at hand is solidly set in your nature.
Emotional = Strong: The emotional plane is very strong in your makeup. Indeed, your point of view usually contains significant portions of emotion and imagination without much concern for the facts of the matter. It's easy for you to get carried away sometimes. You are very original and creative and you care deeply for causes you embrace. You are extremely sentimental, sympathetic and caring. Your direct expression of friendship, affections and love make it clear where you stand.
Intuitive = Weak: Your name suggests that intuitional or spiritual interests are not paramount in your makeup. So called intuitive awareness, psychic or otherwise spiritual matters aren't of much interest to you as you go about your daily tasks. The idea of developing inwardly pretty much leaves you cold. If there is an inner voice, you don't have much trust in it.
Life Challenge Numbers: In numerology, the roadblocks faced in life is called the challenges. The Challenge is a weak point in our Life Path. It is the weak link in the chain of life which must be overcome for us to grow and develop properly. We learn by meeting the challenge, and dealing with it effectively. The nature of the challenge is shown in the Life Path... The numbers behind the final challenge will each be a potential problem during half of the life. The first sub challenge during the first part of the life, and the second sub challenge during the second half of the life. The Final Challenge is a potential weakness and problem throughout the entire life.
1st Sub-Challenge = Challenge 3: The challenge of the number 3 suggests a tendency to scatter talents and try to do too many things at once during this period of your life. You may have a fine imagination and a gift for words, but you find it hard to express yourself effectively. Though you know you should cultivate friends and be sociable, you tend to be somewhat reclusive and defensive. You may have a talent for writing, acting, or speaking, but you are reluctant to involve yourself with these sorts of activities because you do not like to face the prospects of criticism. You are expressing yourself with a negative emphasis, hiding your creative talents behind a wall of shyness. You must strive to develop yourself in a social and in a creative sense. It's hard to just relax and have a good time.
2nd Sub-Challenge = Challenge 0: The obstacles life during this period may not be many, or they may be coming from all directions. The challenge of the number 0 is called the challenge of choice. You are likely to have difficulty acting on your preferences. You are perfectly capable of analyzing a situation and realistically comparing possible solutions. The challenge of 0 may make bring this decision to requisite action very difficult for you. To overcome the challenge, it should be understood that you must have the faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can analyze, make a choice, then act with ease and comfort. This challenge is one that is normally found on in a highly evolved individual and an individual who can be expected to make your own decisions about life and know where the pitfalls lie. To meet the challenge of 0 you must have control of all of the numbers; the independence of 1, the diplomacy of 2, the optimism of 3, the application of 4, the understanding of 5, the adjustment of 6, the wisdom of the 7, the constructive power of 8, the universal service of 9. In other words, to meet the challenge of 0 in your life, you must be a very gifted person.
Final Challenge = Challenge 3
Personal Year Number: The Personal Year is helpful in evaluating the trend of the coming calendar year.
2009 = Personal Year 9... Reflection and Reaching Out: This is a 9 personal year for you. This is a year of completions, ending, and a time when you are apt to take inventory of the many factors in your life, some of which you are no doubt proud of, and others that you may want to change. You are likely to scrutinize old values, ideals, and the ideas that you thought were important. This should be a time when you become more involved with other's and giving may become more important that merely looking out for yourself. You may also become aware of a lure to commune with nature, as escapist desires become much stronger than in the past. A lot of things that you have been working for should come to completion during this year, and you will tend to clear the deck for the beginning of a new nine year cycle.
Life Path Number: This number represents who you are at birth and the native traits that you will carry with you through life. The most important number that will be discussed here is your Life Path number. The Life Path describes the nature of this journey through life.
3 (3, 12/3, 21,/3, 30/3)
The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.
Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.
The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.
There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.
In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.
Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.
For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.
Destiny Number: Destiny is a very descriptive word for the meaning of the this important core element. This is the number that describes the tasks that you must achieve in this lifetime using the name that was given to you by your parents. This name, the complete birth name, symbolizes the opportunities you have at your disposal. This is sometimes referred to as your potential or destiny. Living up to attributes of this number may not be easy, but it is your goal in the here and now. It is your life's purpose, spiritual mission, and your field of opportunity. Unlike the Life Path number which reads as you are, the Destiny number more correctly reads as you MUST or what you can aspire to become.
9 (9, 18/9, 27/9, 36/9, 45/9, 54/9)
The number 9 Destiny suggests that the direction of growth in your lifetime will be in benevolent activities, in compassion, and in worldly understanding. You are living up to and growing toward your Destiny when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others.
You must be willing to help others as you were intended to be the "big brother or big sister" type. You must work well with people, for you have the potential to inspire.
Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this Destiny. Career fields in which you can excel are many and include advisory roles, medicine, legal fields, artistic fields, diplomacy, and religion.
Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important. Your personal ambitions must be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and preserving a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural Destiny in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others.
Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 Destiny can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this Destiny.
Soul Urge Number: The Soul Urge or as it is sometimes called, the heart's desire, is an important core influence in numerology. However, the Soul Urge falls well below the Lifepath (the birth date number) and Destiny (the full birth name) numbers in importance, because this is a number that you don't expose overtly to those around you. It is your inner cravings, likes and dislikes, which are usually kept rather private. This number denotes what you value most regardless of Life Path (what you are from birth) and expression (what you will become in life). This influence suggests the nature that drives you in your daily life. Satisfying the demands of the Soul Urge will give you a sense of inner peace and contentment.
2... With a 2 Soul Urge, you have a deep inner need for love and harmony in your life. Resolving problems using mediation and diplomacy produces a warm sense of achievement. When you avoid the pain of stress and conflict, you are well on the road to feeling fulfilled.
Inner Dreams Number: The sum of the consonants in your name relates a secret dream, your inner desires, or maybe even fantasies. As a modifier, this aspect of your chart may be considered less important than many of the others because often these remote and deep-seated dreams are never realized. Sometimes, however, when this number has a relationship to another core number, the dream can come true. Strangely, this number is also associated with your personality or how people see you on first meetings. This number may be so strong in your subconscious that you even project the trait as a personality mask.
7... You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.
Birthdate Number: The birthday is a supporting influence added to the Life Path. Think of it as a modifier to the Life Path. These are traits that you brought into this life much as with the more important and dominating traits shown by the Life Path. Here is your birthday and the modifying traits shown by it:
23... With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. Your mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility. Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.
Planes of Expression- Modes: The word expression used here really means activity or how we act.
Creative/Adaptable: The combination of most of the letters in the creative and Adaptable mode suggests that you are a person who is inclined toward constant activity, but this activity must provide variety and change. Your efforts are directed at the here and now, but decision-making can sometimes be a problem. You are likely to act immediately on issues that come to your attention, but not without paying attention to the lessons from the past. Sometimes, you may dwell on the past a little too long. Positively expressed, creative letters produce constructive initiative, while the Adaptable tone allows you to always be flexible. You are able to fit easily into most situations, and you produce results wherever you fit in. You are devoted rather than ambitious.
Temperament: The four distinct temperament factors differentiate individuals and determine how we will go about the conduct of our lives.
Mental = Average: Your name shows substantial strength in the mental plane suggesting that you have the ability to think things through carefully before making a decision. You have little difficulty handling mental activities even when they become technical and complex. You are comfortable in a leadership role, but this may not necessarily be an essential to your well-being.
Physical = Average: You are essentially a common sense person with a concern for the practical and the economical use of resources and assets. You have the ability to stick with a job and get it done even if it is not all fun and games. You have a healthy competitive spirit which serves you well without going overboard. Your ability to concentrate on the task at hand is solidly set in your nature.
Emotional = Strong: The emotional plane is very strong in your makeup. Indeed, your point of view usually contains significant portions of emotion and imagination without much concern for the facts of the matter. It's easy for you to get carried away sometimes. You are very original and creative and you care deeply for causes you embrace. You are extremely sentimental, sympathetic and caring. Your direct expression of friendship, affections and love make it clear where you stand.
Intuitive = Weak: Your name suggests that intuitional or spiritual interests are not paramount in your makeup. So called intuitive awareness, psychic or otherwise spiritual matters aren't of much interest to you as you go about your daily tasks. The idea of developing inwardly pretty much leaves you cold. If there is an inner voice, you don't have much trust in it.
Life Challenge Numbers: In numerology, the roadblocks faced in life is called the challenges. The Challenge is a weak point in our Life Path. It is the weak link in the chain of life which must be overcome for us to grow and develop properly. We learn by meeting the challenge, and dealing with it effectively. The nature of the challenge is shown in the Life Path... The numbers behind the final challenge will each be a potential problem during half of the life. The first sub challenge during the first part of the life, and the second sub challenge during the second half of the life. The Final Challenge is a potential weakness and problem throughout the entire life.
1st Sub-Challenge = Challenge 3: The challenge of the number 3 suggests a tendency to scatter talents and try to do too many things at once during this period of your life. You may have a fine imagination and a gift for words, but you find it hard to express yourself effectively. Though you know you should cultivate friends and be sociable, you tend to be somewhat reclusive and defensive. You may have a talent for writing, acting, or speaking, but you are reluctant to involve yourself with these sorts of activities because you do not like to face the prospects of criticism. You are expressing yourself with a negative emphasis, hiding your creative talents behind a wall of shyness. You must strive to develop yourself in a social and in a creative sense. It's hard to just relax and have a good time.
2nd Sub-Challenge = Challenge 0: The obstacles life during this period may not be many, or they may be coming from all directions. The challenge of the number 0 is called the challenge of choice. You are likely to have difficulty acting on your preferences. You are perfectly capable of analyzing a situation and realistically comparing possible solutions. The challenge of 0 may make bring this decision to requisite action very difficult for you. To overcome the challenge, it should be understood that you must have the faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can analyze, make a choice, then act with ease and comfort. This challenge is one that is normally found on in a highly evolved individual and an individual who can be expected to make your own decisions about life and know where the pitfalls lie. To meet the challenge of 0 you must have control of all of the numbers; the independence of 1, the diplomacy of 2, the optimism of 3, the application of 4, the understanding of 5, the adjustment of 6, the wisdom of the 7, the constructive power of 8, the universal service of 9. In other words, to meet the challenge of 0 in your life, you must be a very gifted person.
Final Challenge = Challenge 3
Personal Year Number: The Personal Year is helpful in evaluating the trend of the coming calendar year.
2009 = Personal Year 9... Reflection and Reaching Out: This is a 9 personal year for you. This is a year of completions, ending, and a time when you are apt to take inventory of the many factors in your life, some of which you are no doubt proud of, and others that you may want to change. You are likely to scrutinize old values, ideals, and the ideas that you thought were important. This should be a time when you become more involved with other's and giving may become more important that merely looking out for yourself. You may also become aware of a lure to commune with nature, as escapist desires become much stronger than in the past. A lot of things that you have been working for should come to completion during this year, and you will tend to clear the deck for the beginning of a new nine year cycle.
update
work is going well. besides the fact that i work in the same hotel as 7 of my friends (we all have different positions there), i have gotten really cool with all of the guys that i work with; the girls not so much, but that's to be expected seeing as i am not a "bar chick" & they all seem to be. unfortunately, rooftop lounges are not all that popular once the fall/winter season comes along, but at least i can make enough money to hang out & pay off my bills & school debt.
i followed through with my haircut as well. actually, it wasnt what i originally planned. to be perfectly honest, i just wasnt brave enough to shave my head just yet, but my hair is still a lot shorter than it has ever been in my entire life. when my stylist, amanda, was washing my hair before the big cut, she asked why i was so determined on making such a drastic change & i told her, "i want to get rid of all the negative energy that is trapped in my hair." she laughed & rosanna & i were surprised that she had never heard anyone say that before, but its something i meant to be taken seriously. i really feel like this haircut has been a catalyst for me, i feel like the weight of so many insecurities & fears have been cut away from my spirit & i feel freer & more optimistic than i have in a long, long time.
before & after
the best part is that i was still able to cut enough off the length to donate to locks of love:
hopefully for my next update i will be able to write less about the actual physical, literal changes that have occurred in my life & delve deeper into the changes i have been feeling in regards to my mental attitude & emotional state. my friend has been telling me some very intriguing things dealing with numerology that have really blown my mind & basically changed my whole perspective on life in general... but i will save that for next time.
i followed through with my haircut as well. actually, it wasnt what i originally planned. to be perfectly honest, i just wasnt brave enough to shave my head just yet, but my hair is still a lot shorter than it has ever been in my entire life. when my stylist, amanda, was washing my hair before the big cut, she asked why i was so determined on making such a drastic change & i told her, "i want to get rid of all the negative energy that is trapped in my hair." she laughed & rosanna & i were surprised that she had never heard anyone say that before, but its something i meant to be taken seriously. i really feel like this haircut has been a catalyst for me, i feel like the weight of so many insecurities & fears have been cut away from my spirit & i feel freer & more optimistic than i have in a long, long time.
the best part is that i was still able to cut enough off the length to donate to locks of love:
hopefully for my next update i will be able to write less about the actual physical, literal changes that have occurred in my life & delve deeper into the changes i have been feeling in regards to my mental attitude & emotional state. my friend has been telling me some very intriguing things dealing with numerology that have really blown my mind & basically changed my whole perspective on life in general... but i will save that for next time.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
btw.
i should be sleeping right now as i have my first official solo shift working at 10am. i guess its nerves & not wanting to oversleep that is causing my current insomnia considering i have been going to bed & waking up early for the past couple of weeks; figures!
i'll survive.
in any case, this is an attempt to brace myself & any readers for a drastic change in my appearance to occur on friday at 6pm. at this day & time, i will be cutting my hair. big whoop, right?.. it is to me, at least. & when i say drastic, i mean it. i am planning on something just short of completely shaving my head, depending on the stylist's recommendation. regardless, i am looking forward to doing something completely different, something unexpected. my friend sofi shaved her head a few years back, & although i didnt know her at the time, the idea has inspired me. sofi says that she has never been more confident than during the time that she shaved her head & lost the vanity of her hair, & i really dig that concept. i want to rid myself of certain insecurities & be able to say, "this is me, take it or leave it."
i have hair seperation anxiety.
lets just hope i can find the courage to actually go through with it.
i'll survive.
in any case, this is an attempt to brace myself & any readers for a drastic change in my appearance to occur on friday at 6pm. at this day & time, i will be cutting my hair. big whoop, right?.. it is to me, at least. & when i say drastic, i mean it. i am planning on something just short of completely shaving my head, depending on the stylist's recommendation. regardless, i am looking forward to doing something completely different, something unexpected. my friend sofi shaved her head a few years back, & although i didnt know her at the time, the idea has inspired me. sofi says that she has never been more confident than during the time that she shaved her head & lost the vanity of her hair, & i really dig that concept. i want to rid myself of certain insecurities & be able to say, "this is me, take it or leave it."
i have hair seperation anxiety.
lets just hope i can find the courage to actually go through with it.
unfinished, incomplete & unworthy
currently restless & this sort of just... came out.
maybe one day i'll come back to finish this...
This life can be a rat race
& I've lost almost all my bets.
Sometimes i just cant face it
& I spend all day in bed,
thinking this life is full of strife
& how I just wish it would end,
that's when I think about my friend
& when I first heard the words "he's dead."
My brother had so much to give
but he just couldn't stay ahead
of his emotions,
his depression,
& the ghosts of past mistakes
incessant wailing in his head.
It must have been unbearable,
so my sun chose to quit instead.
His heart could not endure the pain
that some mindlessly shed,
his mind could not see relief ahead
in anything but death.
They say only the good die young
but words are just a waste of breath,
attempting validation
for a loss that makes no sense.
It's no beautiful tragedy,
no "better place" pretense,
there's no filling the vacuum in space
created when he left
except with this sinking feeling permanence,
spreading out tangible emptiness.
I know this abandonment is permanent.
Though I pray you found the peace you sought,
all I have left to hold is grief,
memories that time has worn & faded,
& wishes for your safe release
into love that lasts forever,
a love reserved for the deceased.
maybe one day i'll come back to finish this...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
quit it.
i need to stop stalking people.
i have my second day of training tomorrow.
i really really miss my ipod.
i feel like a loser, lately.
i think i am pretty awesome despite certain bad habits/attributes.
i feel really skinny & i like it.
i wish the summer weather would last a little bit longer.
i miss my best friends & i hardly ever get to see them anymore.
i need to be more aggressive & decisive.
i have my second day of training tomorrow.
i really really miss my ipod.
i feel like a loser, lately.
i think i am pretty awesome despite certain bad habits/attributes.
i feel really skinny & i like it.
i wish the summer weather would last a little bit longer.
i miss my best friends & i hardly ever get to see them anymore.
i need to be more aggressive & decisive.
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