"was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows im miserable now"

i havent even started & i am already dreading going to work.

my good friend stephanie got me an interview to waitress at the ravel hotel rooftop lounge, & i got the job.

i am grateful for the opportunity, considering ive been unemployed for a year & a half, but im just scared i don't quite have the personality for a job where i have to be pretty, smile, & flirt to make good money. i might seem outgoing, crazy, & loud when i am around my friends, but that is only because they are the people i am most comfortable with. around strangers that will judge me based solely on my looks, it is a different story. i become painfully shy, to the point where i lose all wit & personality & have to struggle to force out audible conversation. seriously, i get so shy that i end up speaking in whispers without even noticing... sigh. i wish i was more confident!

today i will go in for training & i will try not to feel insecure & out of place.
today i will think positive & do what i have to do to make the money that i need.
today i will think of how happy i will be when i can pay off my debt to la guardia & be able to go back to school.
today will be a good day because i shall make it so!

the bad boy complex

what drives desire? perhaps it is a chaotic blend of percolating pheromones & society's covert conditioning that attracts one person to another. desire may be purely chemical or emotional but regardless of the driving force, the complexities are evident.

i've recently realized that despite these natural, hormonal factors & my own experienced, logical analysis of prospective partners, the attributes of the ones i most desire hardly ever compute with the total sum of parts of the ideal mate i have created in my head. i have been faced with these circumstances on multiple occasions & each time my mind has shouted distress signals which my foolish heart ignores as it laughs in the face of danger. one might even think i am a glutton for punishment. my tastes in men quite often reflect the self-destructive streak that so prominently characterizes many of my actions & subconsciously subscribes to the Good Girl Vs. Bad Boy mentality. even with the terms "good" & "bad" being loosely defined, it all seems to spell out TROUBLE in the end.

in fact, i do make informed decisions & keep in mind what is best for me, but oftentimes the wrong decision seems much more appealing. so who am i to pass judgment or blame on the subject of my affections when they fail to surprise me & cannot surpass their natural disposition & continue to be precisely the person i expected them to be? the choices i make are my own & i am the only scoundrel that should be held accountable for them. i know what i am getting myself into. i know exactly what these tremulous waters have in store for me, exactly what dangers lurk beneath the soul's surface... even so, i hope not to bash my head against jagged rocks as i dive headfirst into calamity.




they say a clear sign of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results.