alley cats

i was smoking a cigarette on the front steps & a stray cat happened to stop in front of me. he stopped right in front of me, looked me in the eyes & meowed- it almost too much to bear. usually i would have been ultra-creeped. you see, i have this silly notion that stray cats can see into your soul... but enough about my psychosis. there are tons of stray cats in my neighborhood & lately i have found myself more compassionate towards their plight. the cats have rosanna to thank; she is always telling me about all the strays that she befriends late nights in her back alley.

so! kitty & i exchanged flirty glances for a bit, & i decided i would be muster up the courage to try & pet him/her... success! i could tell kitty was scared, but he nudged his head towards my hand & i knew it was consensual. i called my mom to deliver my uneaten salmon from that night's dinner, along with a saucer of milk for the pretty kitty. it must have been starving, because kitty ate the entire meal, even licked the plate [/aluminum foil.] after that, kitty was all over me. needless to say, i got mad pussy.

this may sound stupid or lame, but knowing that i made a difference in kitty's nightly quest for food totally warmed my heart. it would rub up against my leg & cock his head towards me, purring, & i knew it was showing gratitude the best way that it could. he was so easily frightened by loud noises & sudden movements, giving off that vulnerable vibe that always emanates from abused animals. i felt so bad when i finally had to walk away from it & abandon it like it's former owners must have. a few weeks ago, rosanna & i spotted one of the neighborhood cats after a brawl. one of his eyes was almost gouged out & his left ear was completely ripped off. we were pretty much crying over it. its depressing to notice so much suffering. to realize & to feel it everyday, even in creatures that could easily be dismissed as unimportant, they still suffer.

i just want to do something good.

schemes

i made $50 today by helping someone run a scheme on home depot. i didnt do anything illegal, but the person i was "working" for definitely does lots of illegal things in order to make his money. living in jackson heights has opened my eyes to all the creative schemes immigrants have to cook up in order to make a decent living. i can only imagine how badly it must suck(!) to have your very existance in a country be criminilized just because you lack a piece of paper (or quite a few pieces.) im not going to start ranting about immigration policy & wages, maybe next time. for now, i just want to say that i definitely admire their resilience & survival tactics.

FAIL.

i fainted in the street last night.

after my all-day sunday hangover, monday was spent drinking coffee & chain smoking in my room. i was walking to play lounge to do 2 hours of training for my old/new job as a cocktail waitress, & my nerves got the best of me, so i decided to smoke a clip. i had not smoked weed or had a meal since saturday. i was so fucking high & i hadn't even finished smoking. i decided to put it out & keep walking. i got to the entrance of play & had a mini panic attack- i couldnt go inside, i was too stoned!

i walked away from play & started feeling really lightheaded & weak. i could barely walk anymore & everything was blurry, i couldnt keep my eyes open or even stand up any longer. i knew i needed to take a break so i sat on the brick ledge of a fence... & thats the last thing i remember before waking up face down on the concrete.

it took me a while before i realized what happened. i tried to stand up & keep walking but my body couldnt make it farther than the corner. i collapsed indian-style on the floor & started crying, my head was pounding. i didnt know what happened or how i was going to get home in the state i was in. my face got scraped up, as well as my knuckles & elbow. everytime i tried to stand up, my vision would go dark & my knees would buckle & i couldnt walk more than a few steps before i felt like i would collapse. luckily, alberto was able to pick me up & take me home to my mama.

she carried me inside & layed me down, but since i hit my head she wouldnt let me go to sleep & i didnt want to go to the hospital. she gave me something to eat & drink but i was still fading. after a while, she let me rest but she was checking up on me every few minutes to make sure i was still conscious.

nothing like this has ever happened to me. my mom has always told me to take care of myself & try to be healthier because "un dia te vas a desmayar en la calle"- i cant believe it actually happened this way. anyone knows that im not a physically weak person, quite the opposite, but i guess everything just caught up with me at the wrong moment.

my face:

it doesnt look as bad as it felt.

dead for 2 months & 7 days

one of the most sinking feelings i have ever experienced throughout my life comes from accepting that the person that i love no longer loves me back.





"Not everything happens for a reason, I know that it sounds appealing when you lose something that's not replaceable."

not naming names

i am probably giving some people more attention that they deserve, but sometimes i cannot help but to wonder why some people behave they way they do. i've known people that are so conniving & deceitful, & oftentimes it seems directed more so towards those that they would call "friends," people they supposedly care for. life is complicated enough without having to watch your back around your own peoples.

there's such a disgustingly complacent attitude towards actions that cannot be described as anything other than malicious. i would never let anyone whom openly disrespects my friends into my life, & i dont expect any less in return. i will not tolerate disloyalty, & even if it takes me cycles & cycles of friends to find out who is trueblue, then so be it... & fuck everyone that says, "they never did anything wrong to me." fuck you. its you & people like you that are responsible for all the world's atrocities, because it's never a problem until it happens to you. --lethargic devils! that is a cowardly & horribly apathetic way to go through life.

you're no better than the people you associate yourself with; so what does it say about you when all your friends are well-renowned as junkies, thieves, liars, & whores?

this generation is far too busy trying to wear the trendiest pseudo-vintage outfits to contemplate any serious moral & philosophical questions that could open up beautiful worlds & enrich your pathetic, coke-fueled existences.

who are you?
what do you stand for?

a conversation last night brought to my attention that i have not accomplished either of my two resolutions for 2008; to quit smoking & to find a job.

as i type this, i am smoking a ciggarette.
i am blogging instead of being on craigslist OR actually getting off my ass & job hunting the old-fashioned way.

pretty much everything wrong with my life is in my control. in other words, i am the one to blame. i am responsible, or better yet, irresponsible for this mess - & getting myself out of it!





im going to take a nap.

if at first you don't suceed...

try, try again.