it's been a while

so, its christmas eve afternoon. i am not a religious person, but i do appreciate christmas for its decorative aspects, the delicious food, & spending time with family, which i only seem to do on holidays. this christmas will be different in terms that it is the first time in a long time that my mother & i will not be joining my aunt & cousins for dinner. we are having our very own christmas at home, just the two of us.

i find it hard to spend time alone with my mother, & at this time of year it always makes me feel guilty. no matter how much we try to get along, our personalities clash & we end up getting into fights over silly things, such as the tone of my voice, or her old-fashioned ideas about life & how i should behave. i hope tonight will be different. i hope we can have a good time together & actually enjoy each others company for once.

i have realized that i resent my mother for a lot of things. the mistakes she has made in her life have affected mine as well, that is a given. although she does everything within her power to make sure that i am well taken care of, i am usually unappreciative. i hold so many grudges against her, & i realize that this is unfair. she begrudges me as well, but i know it is only because she expects so much more from me, as well she should; because throughout my life she has always supported, encouraged, & provided me with the tools to build a better life & future for myself, for both of us.

i want to change. i have to change, because our relationship cannot continue in this manner. my mother has always treated me like a princess, even now when we have close to nothing, she spoils me every way that she can - but that is not fair to her, at this point in my life i need to be able to take care of myself & spoil her a little too. i have to overcome my laziness & these undeserved feelings of entitlement. i need to become an asset to the household, rather than a detriment. i think one of my new years resolution will be just that, to be a better daughter, one deserving of her love.