to become unlazy.

never take anyone for granted

2009-10-05T12:18:00.000-07:00

i got a tattoo.
a personal memorial for my dear friend.
it is large & will be on my body forever.

residence on earth

2009-10-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

"Barcarole"

If you would only touch my heart,
if only you would put your mouth on my heart,
your delicate mouth, your teeth,
if you would put your tongue like a red arrow
there where my dusty heart beats,
if you would blow on my heart, near the sea, weeping,
it would sound like a dark noise, with the sound
of sleepy train wheels,
like wavering waters,
like a leafy autumn,
like blood,
with a noise of moist flames burning the sky,
sounding like dreams or branches or rains,
or foghorns in a dreary port,
if you would blow on my heart, near the sea,
like a white ghost,
at the edge of the foam,
in the midst of the wind,
like an unchained ghost, at the edge of the sea, weeping.

Like an extended absence, like a sudden bell,
the sea spreads the sound of the heart,
raining, at nightfall, on a lonely coast:
night doubtless falls,
and its mournful shipwrecked-banner blue
peoples itself with planets of hoarse silver.

And the heart sounds like a sour snail,
call, oh sea, oh lament, oh melted fright
scattered in misfortunes and rickety waves:
from resonance the sea reveals
its recumbent shadows, its green poppies.

If you suddenly existed, on a gloomy coast,
surrounded by the dead day,
facing a new night,
filled with waves,
and if you blew on my heart cold with fear,
if you blew on the lonely blood of my heart,
if you blew on its flaming dove movement,
its black bloody syllables would sound,
its incessant red waters would swell,
and it would sound, sound of shadows,
sound like death,
it would call like a tube filled with wind or weeping,
or a bottle squirting fright in spurts.

So it is, and the lightning would cover your tresses
and the rain would enter through your open eyes
to prepare the weeping that you silently enclose,
and the black wings of the sea would wheel around
you, with great claws, and croakings, and flights.

Do you want to be the solitary ghost that near the sea
plays upon its sad and sterile instrument?
if only you would call,
its prolonged sound, its malevolent whistle,
its arrangement of wounded waves,
someone would perhaps come,
someone would come;
from the peaks of islands, from the depths of the sea,
someone would come, someone would come.

Somebody would come; play furiously,
let it sound like the siren of a broken boat,
like a lament,
like a whinny in the midst of the foam and the blood,
like a ferocious water gnashing and echoing.

In the sea season
its snail of shadow circles like a shout,
the sea birds belittle it and fly away,
its roll call of sounds, its mournful crosspieces,
rise on the shore of the solitary sea.

-Pablo Neruda

"exploring numerology: life by the numbers"

2009-09-29T23:43:00.001-07:00

juan gave me his numerology book. the website i used was pretty good but the book has so much more info so now i can delve even deeper & drive myself crazy!

numerology profile

2009-09-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

i couldnt sleep last night so i decided to start calculating my numerology profile. i wish i knew how to explain this in my own words or better yet, the way my friend explained it to me & connected it with astrology & supreme mathematics, but i am just a novice.

Life Path Number: This number represents who you are at birth and the native traits that you will carry with you through life. The most important number that will be discussed here is your Life Path number. The Life Path describes the nature of this journey through life.

3 (3, 12/3, 21,/3, 30/3)
The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.

Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.

There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.

In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.

Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.

For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.

Destiny Number: Destiny is a very descriptive word for the meaning of the this important core element. This is the number that describes the tasks that you must achieve in this lifetime using the name that was given to you by your parents. This name, the complete birth name, symbolizes the opportunities you have at your disposal. This is sometimes referred to as your potential or destiny. Living up to attributes of this number may not be easy, but it is your goal in the here and now. It is your life's purpose, spiritual mission, and your field of opportunity. Unlike the Life Path number which reads as you are, the Destiny number more correctly reads as you MUST or what you can aspire to become.

9 (9, 18/9, 27/9, 36/9, 45/9, 54/9)
The number 9 Destiny suggests that the direction of growth in your lifetime will be in benevolent activities, in compassion, and in worldly understanding. You are living up to and growing toward your Destiny when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others.

You must be willing to help others as you were intended to be the "big brother or big sister" type. You must work well with people, for you have the potential to inspire.

Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this Destiny. Career fields in which you can excel are many and include advisory roles, medicine, legal fields, artistic fields, diplomacy, and religion.

Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important. Your personal ambitions must be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and preserving a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural Destiny in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 Destiny can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this Destiny.

Soul Urge Number: The Soul Urge or as it is sometimes called, the heart's desire, is an important core influence in numerology. However, the Soul Urge falls well below the Lifepath (the birth date number) and Destiny (the full birth name) numbers in importance, because this is a number that you don't expose overtly to those around you. It is your inner cravings, likes and dislikes, which are usually kept rather private. This number denotes what you value most regardless of Life Path (what you are from birth) and expression (what you will become in life). This influence suggests the nature that drives you in your daily life. Satisfying the demands of the Soul Urge will give you a sense of inner peace and contentment.

2... With a 2 Soul Urge, you have a deep inner need for love and harmony in your life. Resolving problems using mediation and diplomacy produces a warm sense of achievement. When you avoid the pain of stress and conflict, you are well on the road to feeling fulfilled.

Inner Dreams Number: The sum of the consonants in your name relates a secret dream, your inner desires, or maybe even fantasies. As a modifier, this aspect of your chart may be considered less important than many of the others because often these remote and deep-seated dreams are never realized. Sometimes, however, when this number has a relationship to another core number, the dream can come true. Strangely, this number is also associated with your personality or how people see you on first meetings. This number may be so strong in your subconscious that you even project the trait as a personality mask.

7... You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

Birthdate Number: The birthday is a supporting influence added to the Life Path. Think of it as a modifier to the Life Path. These are traits that you brought into this life much as with the more important and dominating traits shown by the Life Path. Here is your birthday and the modifying traits shown by it:

23... With a birthday on the 23rd of the month (5 energy) you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them. You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas. You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel. You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable. Your mind is quick, clever and analytical. A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine. You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility. Very sociable, you make friends easily and you are an excellent traveling companion.

Planes of Expression- Modes: The word expression used here really means activity or how we act.

Creative/Adaptable: The combination of most of the letters in the creative and Adaptable mode suggests that you are a person who is inclined toward constant activity, but this activity must provide variety and change. Your efforts are directed at the here and now, but decision-making can sometimes be a problem. You are likely to act immediately on issues that come to your attention, but not without paying attention to the lessons from the past. Sometimes, you may dwell on the past a little too long. Positively expressed, creative letters produce constructive initiative, while the Adaptable tone allows you to always be flexible. You are able to fit easily into most situations, and you produce results wherever you fit in. You are devoted rather than ambitious.

Temperament: The four distinct temperament factors differentiate individuals and determine how we will go about the conduct of our lives.

Mental = Average: Your name shows substantial strength in the mental plane suggesting that you have the ability to think things through carefully before making a decision. You have little difficulty handling mental activities even when they become technical and complex. You are comfortable in a leadership role, but this may not necessarily be an essential to your well-being.

Physical = Average: You are essentially a common sense person with a concern for the practical and the economical use of resources and assets. You have the ability to stick with a job and get it done even if it is not all fun and games. You have a healthy competitive spirit which serves you well without going overboard. Your ability to concentrate on the task at hand is solidly set in your nature.

Emotional = Strong: The emotional plane is very strong in your makeup. Indeed, your point of view usually contains significant portions of emotion and imagination without much concern for the facts of the matter. It's easy for you to get carried away sometimes. You are very original and creative and you care deeply for causes you embrace. You are extremely sentimental, sympathetic and caring. Your direct expression of friendship, affections and love make it clear where you stand.

Intuitive = Weak: Your name suggests that intuitional or spiritual interests are not paramount in your makeup. So called intuitive awareness, psychic or otherwise spiritual matters aren't of much interest to you as you go about your daily tasks. The idea of developing inwardly pretty much leaves you cold. If there is an inner voice, you don't have much trust in it.

Life Challenge Numbers: In numerology, the roadblocks faced in life is called the challenges. The Challenge is a weak point in our Life Path. It is the weak link in the chain of life which must be overcome for us to grow and develop properly. We learn by meeting the challenge, and dealing with it effectively. The nature of the challenge is shown in the Life Path... The numbers behind the final challenge will each be a potential problem during half of the life. The first sub challenge during the first part of the life, and the second sub challenge during the second half of the life. The Final Challenge is a potential weakness and problem throughout the entire life.

1st Sub-Challenge = Challenge 3: The challenge of the number 3 suggests a tendency to scatter talents and try to do too many things at once during this period of your life. You may have a fine imagination and a gift for words, but you find it hard to express yourself effectively. Though you know you should cultivate friends and be sociable, you tend to be somewhat reclusive and defensive. You may have a talent for writing, acting, or speaking, but you are reluctant to involve yourself with these sorts of activities because you do not like to face the prospects of criticism. You are expressing yourself with a negative emphasis, hiding your creative talents behind a wall of shyness. You must strive to develop yourself in a social and in a creative sense. It's hard to just relax and have a good time.

2nd Sub-Challenge = Challenge 0: The obstacles life during this period may not be many, or they may be coming from all directions. The challenge of the number 0 is called the challenge of choice. You are likely to have difficulty acting on your preferences. You are perfectly capable of analyzing a situation and realistically comparing possible solutions. The challenge of 0 may make bring this decision to requisite action very difficult for you. To overcome the challenge, it should be understood that you must have the faith in your own abilities to the extent that you can analyze, make a choice, then act with ease and comfort. This challenge is one that is normally found on in a highly evolved individual and an individual who can be expected to make your own decisions about life and know where the pitfalls lie. To meet the challenge of 0 you must have control of all of the numbers; the independence of 1, the diplomacy of 2, the optimism of 3, the application of 4, the understanding of 5, the adjustment of 6, the wisdom of the 7, the constructive power of 8, the universal service of 9. In other words, to meet the challenge of 0 in your life, you must be a very gifted person.

Final Challenge = Challenge 3

Personal Year Number: The Personal Year is helpful in evaluating the trend of the coming calendar year.

2009 = Personal Year 9... Reflection and Reaching Out: This is a 9 personal year for you. This is a year of completions, ending, and a time when you are apt to take inventory of the many factors in your life, some of which you are no doubt proud of, and others that you may want to change. You are likely to scrutinize old values, ideals, and the ideas that you thought were important. This should be a time when you become more involved with other's and giving may become more important that merely looking out for yourself. You may also become aware of a lure to commune with nature, as escapist desires become much stronger than in the past. A lot of things that you have been working for should come to completion during this year, and you will tend to clear the deck for the beginning of a new nine year cycle.

update

2009-09-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

work is going well. besides the fact that i work in the same hotel as 7 of my friends (we all have different positions there), i have gotten really cool with all of the guys that i work with; the girls not so much, but that's to be expected seeing as i am not a "bar chick" & they all seem to be. unfortunately, rooftop lounges are not all that popular once the fall/winter season comes along, but at least i can make enough money to hang out & pay off my bills & school debt.

i followed through with my haircut as well. actually, it wasnt what i originally planned. to be perfectly honest, i just wasnt brave enough to shave my head just yet, but my hair is still a lot shorter than it has ever been in my entire life. when my stylist, amanda, was washing my hair before the big cut, she asked why i was so determined on making such a drastic change & i told her, "i want to get rid of all the negative energy that is trapped in my hair." she laughed & rosanna & i were surprised that she had never heard anyone say that before, but its something i meant to be taken seriously. i really feel like this haircut has been a catalyst for me, i feel like the weight of so many insecurities & fears have been cut away from my spirit & i feel freer & more optimistic than i have in a long, long time.

before & after

the best part is that i was still able to cut enough off the length to donate to locks of love:

hopefully for my next update i will be able to write less about the actual physical, literal changes that have occurred in my life & delve deeper into the changes i have been feeling in regards to my mental attitude & emotional state. my friend has been telling me some very intriguing things dealing with numerology that have really blown my mind & basically changed my whole perspective on life in general... but i will save that for next time.

btw.

2009-09-08T02:35:00.000-07:00

i should be sleeping right now as i have my first official solo shift working at 10am. i guess its nerves & not wanting to oversleep that is causing my current insomnia considering i have been going to bed & waking up early for the past couple of weeks; figures!

i'll survive.

in any case, this is an attempt to brace myself & any readers for a drastic change in my appearance to occur on friday at 6pm. at this day & time, i will be cutting my hair. big whoop, right?.. it is to me, at least. & when i say drastic, i mean it. i am planning on something just short of completely shaving my head, depending on the stylist's recommendation. regardless, i am looking forward to doing something completely different, something unexpected. my friend sofi shaved her head a few years back, & although i didnt know her at the time, the idea has inspired me. sofi says that she has never been more confident than during the time that she shaved her head & lost the vanity of her hair, & i really dig that concept. i want to rid myself of certain insecurities & be able to say, "this is me, take it or leave it."

i have hair seperation anxiety.
lets just hope i can find the courage to actually go through with it.

unfinished, incomplete & unworthy

2009-09-08T00:23:00.000-07:00

currently restless & this sort of just... came out.

This life can be a rat race
& I've lost almost all my bets.
Sometimes i just cant face it
& I spend all day in bed,
thinking this life is full of strife
& how I just wish it would end,
that's when I think about my friend
& when I first heard the words "he's dead."
My brother had so much to give
but he just couldn't stay ahead
of his emotions,
his depression,
& the ghosts of past mistakes
incessant wailing in his head.
It must have been unbearable,
so my sun chose to quit instead.
His heart could not endure the pain
that some mindlessly shed,
his mind could not see relief ahead
in anything but death.
They say only the good die young
but words are just a waste of breath,
attempting validation
for a loss that makes no sense.
It's no beautiful tragedy,
no "better place" pretense,
there's no filling the vacuum in space
created when he left
except with this sinking feeling permanence,
spreading out tangible emptiness.
I know this abandonment is permanent.
Though I pray you found the peace you sought,
all I have left to hold is grief,
memories that time has worn & faded,
& wishes for your safe release
into love that lasts forever,
a love reserved for the deceased.

maybe one day i'll come back to finish this...

quit it.

2009-09-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

i need to stop stalking people.

i have my second day of training tomorrow.

i really really miss my ipod.

i feel like a loser, lately.

i think i am pretty awesome despite certain bad habits/attributes.

i feel really skinny & i like it.

i wish the summer weather would last a little bit longer.

i miss my best friends & i hardly ever get to see them anymore.

i need to be more aggressive & decisive.

"was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows im miserable now"

2009-08-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

i havent even started & i am already dreading going to work.

my good friend stephanie got me an interview to waitress at the ravel hotel rooftop lounge, & i got the job.

i am grateful for the opportunity, considering ive been unemployed for a year & a half, but im just scared i don't quite have the personality for a job where i have to be pretty, smile, & flirt to make good money. i might seem outgoing, crazy, & loud when i am around my friends, but that is only because they are the people i am most comfortable with. around strangers that will judge me based solely on my looks, it is a different story. i become painfully shy, to the point where i lose all wit & personality & have to struggle to force out audible conversation. seriously, i get so shy that i end up speaking in whispers without even noticing... sigh. i wish i was more confident!

today i will go in for training & i will try not to feel insecure & out of place.
today i will think positive & do what i have to do to make the money that i need.
today i will think of how happy i will be when i can pay off my debt to la guardia & be able to go back to school.
today will be a good day because i shall make it so!

the bad boy complex

2009-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

what drives desire? perhaps it is a chaotic blend of percolating pheromones & society's covert conditioning that attracts one person to another. desire may be purely chemical or emotional but regardless of the driving force, the complexities are evident.

i've recently realized that despite these natural, hormonal factors & my own experienced, logical analysis of prospective partners, the attributes of the ones i most desire hardly ever compute with the total sum of parts of the ideal mate i have created in my head. i have been faced with these circumstances on multiple occasions & each time my mind has shouted distress signals which my foolish heart ignores as it laughs in the face of danger. one might even think i am a glutton for punishment. my tastes in men quite often reflect the self-destructive streak that so prominently characterizes many of my actions & subconsciously subscribes to the Good Girl Vs. Bad Boy mentality. even with the terms "good" & "bad" being loosely defined, it all seems to spell out TROUBLE in the end.

in fact, i do make informed decisions & keep in mind what is best for me, but oftentimes the wrong decision seems much more appealing. so who am i to pass judgment or blame on the subject of my affections when they fail to surprise me & cannot surpass their natural disposition & continue to be precisely the person i expected them to be? the choices i make are my own & i am the only scoundrel that should be held accountable for them. i know what i am getting myself into. i know exactly what these tremulous waters have in store for me, exactly what dangers lurk beneath the soul's surface... even so, i hope not to bash my head against jagged rocks as i dive headfirst into calamity.

they say a clear sign of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting different results.

i need to stop wallowing.

2009-07-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

i hear its not normal to have recurring suicidal thoughts.

more often than not, i feel like i'm just going through the motions & perpetuating my sub-conscious self-destruction.

i have to tell my friend at least once a week that even though he is an ex-con, homeless, scarred, & hopeless, that he has intelligence, loved ones, & boundless potential. i tell him that these things alone are reasons to live & keep striving for something better than becoming a casualty of his mistakes & the sort of life that was dealt to him. does it make me a hypocrite because i dont have the same hope for myself?

i have a mother that would do anything for me, family & friends i can count on (for the most part), an able body in working order, a bed to sleep in... but pep talks & bullet points aren't enough. nothing is ever enough for me to feel like my life has a chance for improvement. i am jealous of people with drive & passion because i have none. i dont want to be uneducated, stuck in some menial job, being responsible & unhappy for the rest of my life, but i have no ambition for anything else. part of me thinks i can change the course of my life, but an even bigger part of me feels doomed to suffer in this stagnancy.

maybe some people really do need to be medicated for emotional imbalances & maybe, just maybe, i am one of them.

15x

2009-06-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

as pretentious as they may be, hipsters are some of the nicest people. i lost my wallet this weekend & for the second time, it was kindly returned to me. the good samaritan actually looked me up & messaged me on facebook... thank you, nikki bagli!

across from where i met nikki to pick up my wallet was a smoke shop called FUGEDABOUDIT where i purchased a gram of 10x salvia for my friends & i. we took a few hits but it wasnt strong enough for any of us to hallucinate. my friend had some 15x potency salvia leftover from a couple of months ago & let me smoke it since i was disappointed that i wasnt able to trip... this is the result:

i wish i could describe what was happening to me. even before i let the smoke out, i saw the world warping around me & all of a sudden, i was in a different place. reality was paint dripping, swirling, splashing in vivid colors, all around me, within me. i was becoming part of the animation that was this fantasy world & i felt myself, my being, melting into a scene of some cartoon. colors, dripping into my eyes, my mouth & being dragged down & drowning in them, trying to feel my limbs & regain control of my own entity before i ceased to exist & all consciousness & free thought would end as i became an insignificant drop of paint. i struggled to free myself of goopy paint ropes binding me, the world was ripped at the seams & i caught a glimpse of my friends flying in a dimension above me, in the real world, where i belonged & could actually exist. do i exist? fuck. this isnt right, was that real?

salvia is one helluva drug.

shame shame shame

2009-06-18T04:48:00.000-07:00

recent developments have made me realize that i have changed a lot & not for the better! must improve.

love too late

2009-06-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

i dont want this to turn into an aching-heart blog, but my heart aches.

i think i made the right decision, at the cost of love & hopeless romanticism, but i guess this way, you never really win.

not much.

2009-05-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

its been over a month since i have written anything so i will try to do a random thoughts update.

i have found a lucrative, but rather unstable way to make money. the job itself resides in a morally gray area, so i wont go into the details. not to worry, i am not selling any of my orifices.

a conversation with the wife last night has made me realize that my eXXX has ruined me for future relationships. not that i am at all devastated, those feelings are long gone. the problem is that i cant seem to find anyone to hold my attention. actually, i suppose that isn't even the problem, as i am not looking for another distraction. the problem starts when i become the romance seeker's reluctant discovery, i am not a treasure. i just cant respect anyone who would seriously want to date me at this point in my life. i am a mess & i don't want anyone's help cleaning up. maybe its not the right time, or the right person, but at this moment, i am just generally disinterested in romantic affections.

summer is almost here, despite what today's weather would have you believe. i need a bike, a tan, & to lose 10 pounds.

blind.

2009-04-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

I wear contacts. they're supposed to be disposed of biweekly, but I wear them until my eyes get irritated & simply replace the old with the new. I NEVER take them out otherwise. this is supposed to be really bad for your eyeball health, but I've done it for years. Last time I saw the optometrist, he said my vison has hardly deteriorated, that my eyes are really healthy, & was thus commended for "taking such good care" of my contacts. crazy, right?

the downside: sometimes when my eyes get irritated, either by makeup or old contacts, I can't even bear to have anything on/in my eyes... even blinking hurts! usually I wait a day with only one seeing, contact covered eye before I put both new ones in. I do this because my glasses are not cute & broken, besides. well! last night I had to remove my right contact due to irritation, & when I woke up today my I had to do the same for my left eye. so... I have been wearing my broken glasses all day at home, glasses with only one arm, so its really tricky trying to keep them on my face with the lenses in front of both eyes.

I'm not opposed to glasses. I used to be, but now I'm slightly more confident with my appearance & think I look kinda cute in them. alas, my glasses are one-armed! I want new ones, the kind with those thick frames that all the trendy ghetto bitches wear. I don't care, I like them.

I lost track of this post. the point is, my eyesight is terrible! wearing my contacts 24/7 has made me forget how little I can actually see without them. I have slight double vision when I try to look at things up close, which I dont remember ever happening before, & even huge letters are blurry or even unrecognizable from just a few feet away. it really sucks, really, really. even though the doctor said my eyes were doing well, I feel terrible because I know I will always have to wear glasses or contacts, & that eventually my god-given sight may turn into old-age-blindness. this is so depressing, I just want to be able to see. I think about world devastation & the chances of surviving in a world with no luxuries like disposable contacts & I am truly terrified. its silly, but these are the type of thoughs that run laps in my brain.

someone pay for my lazik surgery so I have a chance against the feral dogs.

the baby.

2009-04-14T01:16:00.001-07:00

On saturday I came face to face with a ghost from my past. He looked at me through low lids & glazed eyes, through thick, dark eyelashes which I always both loved & envied. For the first time in years this ghost stood in front of me, finally tangible. He embraced me with outstretched arms & the rest of the world disappeared in a fog of crying girlfriends, bikes, strangers & subway noises. I was intoxicated in his arms, sinking deep into a sea of forgotten feelings, letting myself drown in them.

I don't remember the words spoken, only arms, hands, lips, eyelashes. The memory has a dreamlike quality which was created with equal parts scotch, whiskey, surprise, & nostalgia - but the main ingredient is something entirely different. It is something indescribable that I will futilely attempt to describe as magic, mysterious, illogical. You don't believe in it unless you see it for yourself, unless you experience it & realize there is no other way to explain it, it just is what it is, magic. Its magic that makes you forget the way you used to be frustrated & jealous, the way you used to cry & ache, & how long it took you to accept that he was never yours to keep. Magic or chemistry. Magic or pheromones. It hangs like a cloud & floats invisibly in the air waiting for two unsuspecting people to walk into it & hug each other on the subway platform at the 14th street station. Some mystical force that causes former-lovers & now-strangers to hold each other & kiss with liquor-coated tongues all the way from Union Square to somewhere-Uptown, where the spell is broken once the ghost reaches his stop & says goodnight. No longer in a dream, faces of friends materialize with puzzled expressions.

"What was that?"

How can you explain something you don't truly understand? Like how one person can claim a space in your heart without ever paying your emotional rental fees. How can you explain feelings for no reason, feelings that don't fade with time? Feelings that have no expectations, those that are boundless. Love that asks for nothing & gives nothing in return. Love disguised as a ghost that tries too hard to sound indifferent when he calls & asks if you remember kissing him, even though you know he would be offended if you said you didn't.

Aterciopelados

2009-04-06T14:54:00.001-07:00

i went to see this band to keep my friend stephanie company, & left the concert as a new fan.

here are some of pictures:

& video of part of "el estuche"

Mira la escencia, no las apariencias
El cuerpo es sólo un estuche y los ojos la ventana,
De nuestra alma aprisionada
Mira la esencia, no las apariencias
Que todo entra por los ojos dicen lo superficiales,
Lo que hay adentro es lo que vale

Look at the essence, not the appearances
the body is only a case & the eyes are the windows
of our imprisoned souls
look at the essence, not the appearances
the superficial say, all enters through the eyes
but what is inside, is what is valuable

ideas ideas ideas

2009-03-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

i am tired of being afraid of hard work, of failure. tired of this fear of not living up to my own expectations. you never know unless you try: sound advice i rarely listen to, but i will, from now on.

rainey & simone, you have inspired me with your ideas & now i need to look within myself for inspiration.

i want/need to be creative. without it, i will only continue to sink into the boring, the blase (accent on the e). creativity should come naturally but if it is stifled by fear it will never have a chance to manifest.

this is me, trying to motivate myself.

its the end of the world as we know it

2009-03-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

I just got this application for my phone called "Sky Map." It shows you which stars, planets, constellations, etc are visible in the sky according to your location. i havent used it yet, seeing as it isnt dark out, but according to the comments on the application page, you can actually see the planets aligning! I find that pretty spooky considering the prophecies surrounding the year 2012... I'm not prepared for the world to end without having been able to really explore any of it. Polar switches & massive climate change would really put a damper on all of our futures, if we even have much of a future in the state this world is in. But we have to be positive, right? Who knows what will happen to any of us in the next 4 years? All we can do is try to steer our lives on course to destination-whatever-plans we may have. Personally, I've never been one to plan ahead, but its time that I set some goals, especially now that I believe there's an actual time limit. & if there isn't? Then at least I accomplished something.

More on this later.

REMINDER: SHOWS

2009-03-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

find good company & get tickets to these:

***Fri 4/10 OR Sat 4/11
7:00 PM

The Faint, Ladytron
Webster Hall 18+ $27

Tue 4/21 OR Wed 4/22
7:00 PM

Ratatat
Terminal 5 All Ages $23

***Sat 5/02
9:00 PM

Buraka Som Sistema
Bowery Ballroom 18+ $12a/$15d

Fri 6/05
6:30 PM

TV on the Radio
Central Park Summerstage All Ages $30a/$35d

***Tue 6/09
7:30 PM

Jenny Lewis
Music Hall of Williamsburg 18+ $22a/$25d

Fri 6/19
10:00 PM

Thunderheist
Studio B 21+ $10

Fri 8/14
5:30 PM

Animal Collective
Prospect Park Bandshell (Celebrate Brooklyn benefit) All Ages $30

****need to go basis

addendum: i hate paying more than $20 for a show. its not fair to the people! there are so many bands i want to see but refuse to pay big money for, out of principle & because im broke.

thrifty

2009-03-25T16:02:00.001-07:00

my "new" 8 dolla shoes!... funky & cute, just like moí!

Posted via Pixelpipe.

test

2009-03-17T02:32:00.001-07:00

seeing how this app works for posting from my new g1!

Posted via Pixelpipe.

break

2009-03-12T03:52:00.000-07:00

going to the poconos for the weekend.

I'm writing this on a smoke break in between waxing my legs. its about 4am & I had all day to do this but I waited until about an hour ago to start... but I'm going to finish, damnit.

starting over... again.

2009-03-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

i need to be more careful about granting people access to my personal thoughts & feelings.

ive always found it interesting how it is so much easier for us to share our inner workings with complete strangers than with those that are closest to us, at least in this format. unlike friends, or former friends, strangers cannot actively pass judgement, because, after all, they do not know you.

01.09 x23

2009-02-03T05:06:00.000-08:00

check

2009-02-03T04:21:00.000-08:00

i tend to make lists when i want to get things accomplished. the list must be written on crisp, clean paper; clear, bold declarations of my intentions written neatly & succinctly. the list is to be displayed prominently in an eye-drawing location to serve as a constant reminder of the tasks at hand. my lists serve to ease my anxiety, although sometimes they only perpetuate my feelings of helplessness; there is so much i need to do & most times i feel as if i am incapable... but usually, compiling a list gives me a sense of control over my life. i feel empowered as i write down my agenda, planning realistic goals to achieve. i envision them as obstacles to overcome, missions to complete, or enemies to vanquish. they are made more permanent on paper, tangible. i review my list frequently. i add notes to my bullet points, an addendum here, a revision there. i write & i rewrite & revise & rewrite... until the time comes that, with great satisfaction, i cross them out. one thick line. a whimsical check mark. baby steps for an adult.

recycling my feelings

2009-01-28T11:44:00.000-08:00

Meet Me in Montauk - Circa Survive

"u taking it too seriously"

2009-01-27T16:28:00.000-08:00

this morning your voice was filled with doubt & only reminded me that your eyes have never held any answers, simply longing. worse than this, i head the chaos seething inside of you, threatening to spill out into my world. in a past life, the distance to you never mattered, except now i believe in time & space. oh, the difference that it makes.

BWAR.

2008-12-30T03:36:00.000-08:00

it is easy to use contrived & cryptic phrases to conceal an ideology devoid of any valid reasoning, meaning, or purpose- to rebel against everything & yet stand up for nothing. you demand action, promoting free thought while predicating how others should be as careless as you wish you could be. one cannot in good conscience submit to a philosophy of indifference, one of the greatest of evils.

you have the free spirit of a judge holding inquisitions.
reserve your judgments for those that cannot see past the transparency of your words.

it's been a while

2008-12-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

so, its christmas eve afternoon. i am not a religious person, but i do appreciate christmas for its decorative aspects, the delicious food, & spending time with family, which i only seem to do on holidays. this christmas will be different in terms that it is the first time in a long time that my mother & i will not be joining my aunt & cousins for dinner. we are having our very own christmas at home, just the two of us.

i find it hard to spend time alone with my mother, & at this time of year it always makes me feel guilty. no matter how much we try to get along, our personalities clash & we end up getting into fights over silly things, such as the tone of my voice, or her old-fashioned ideas about life & how i should behave. i hope tonight will be different. i hope we can have a good time together & actually enjoy each others company for once.

i have realized that i resent my mother for a lot of things. the mistakes she has made in her life have affected mine as well, that is a given. although she does everything within her power to make sure that i am well taken care of, i am usually unappreciative. i hold so many grudges against her, & i realize that this is unfair. she begrudges me as well, but i know it is only because she expects so much more from me, as well she should; because throughout my life she has always supported, encouraged, & provided me with the tools to build a better life & future for myself, for both of us.

i want to change. i have to change, because our relationship cannot continue in this manner. my mother has always treated me like a princess, even now when we have close to nothing, she spoils me every way that she can - but that is not fair to her, at this point in my life i need to be able to take care of myself & spoil her a little too. i have to overcome my laziness & these undeserved feelings of entitlement. i need to become an asset to the household, rather than a detriment. i think one of my new years resolution will be just that, to be a better daughter, one deserving of her love.

the usual revelation

2008-10-30T06:43:00.000-07:00

i complain too much.

i need to grow the fuck up- give up my idealized views of the people that surround me, we are all human & humans hurt & deceive each other. i live in a fantasy world where you're all on a pedestal until your own flailing knocks you off. this isn't fair to anyone, even to myself. i would feel much less pained by all of this if i was a tad more realistic about the nature of humanity. on the flip side, ive been quick to give people the snip-snip & cut them out of my life. these days i have no tolerance for anything or anyone.

im terribly unhealthy, i have to start taking care of myself better so that i don't die of cancer. im trying to quit smoking cigarettes but its mainly because i can no longer afford them, but i guess i am better off.

they say things always get worse before they get better, so hopefully this is when they start getting better. i feel like the universe is testing my will.

"it's your duty to overcome what you inherit in life. am i going to be the master of my fate or its victim? i'm not going to be its victim... though ive felt victimized- A LOT."

woe is me.

2008-10-22T00:46:00.000-07:00

i never have anything to write about. actually i probably have a lot of things to write about but lately i haven't found it therapeutic to write about things that are upsetting me. bullet points are helpful. such as, i will never purchase important textbooks from amazon.com again. faulty sellers/shipping might cause my academic downfall of '08. i have an academic downfall every year that i attempt to go to school & this year, when im actually trying quite hard, circumstances that are beyond my control result in an epic FAIL. i just found out that i am a day late to withdraw from my stats class so i will have to take an 'F' grade up the ass with no lube which may put my financial aid in jeopardy seeing as im already on academic probation... i guess that was more than a bullet. this whole textbook situation has been driving me crazy since the semester began & at this point is keeping me so far behind on my work that I've been feeling extremely hopeless, depressed, & unmotivated. & by extremely i just mean, more than usual. thus, i have been finding it harder to take care of my limited responsibilities such as attending class & keeping peace with my mama. our relationship has been more than strained as of late. in fact, she wished death upon me the other day. i try not to take it seriously & blame the menopause but the truth is that im pretty much an ungrateful, selfish, & shitty daughter. i hear the first step on the road to recovery is acceptance, but what is step 2?

horrible morning.

2008-10-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

i wish i could talk to you. i want to know why you did it. do you regret it? is there still a "you" to speak of? you cant call someone selfish for feeling this way. i get so upset when someone has the nerve to call you selfish, because only you know the pain in your heart & mind. we are the selfish ones. i will never be angry about what you did. i feel like i've always understood you, i've understood why because i feel it inside of me. this struggle to live, sometimes its unbearable. what is it worth?

my beautiful sunny, i wish you were here. i wish i was there, or anywhere else.

first A of fall

2008-10-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

for lack of more interesting thoughts, i decided to post my first paper of the semester. it is not a very compelling or even interesting paper, but neither was the assignment. my philosophy professor is both beautiful & boring.

anyways, i have bhagli to thank for providing the intellectual stimulation i needed to complete this paper one hour before it was due.

this was the aim conversation that turned into my paper: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=227691763&blogID=437803209

& here is the finished product:

The following dialogue is a discussion between myself and the protagonist, Bhagli Suren, over the topic of Nature Vs. Nurture. The following is my attempt to determine Bhagli’s stance on the matter, and conclude whether or not her views on this topic are based on fallacies or illogical contradictions. Through this dialectic, I will employ the Socratic Method to settle conclusively if Bhagli’s argument makes sense in a philosophical and logical perspective.

Melissa: Bhagli, I am wondering what your opinion is on the infamous nature versus nurture debate. Which of these do you think is the primary element that shapes an individual?
Bhagli: I say nurture shapes the individual more than nature because skills and attitudes can always be learned and honed. People aren't born with hate or love. We’re a neutral canvas at birth. It’s our experiences and relationships with others that help mold us into the people we will become as adults.
Melissa: interesting deduction, Bhagli. Would you go as far as to say that nature does not in fact have any impact on an individual's personality?
Bhagli: Yes, because how and where you grow up will determine whom you will become. For example, your environment, such as being poor in a third world country as opposed to well off in a first world country. Religion, racism, all these things are taught. A character trait, such as kindness, is taught.
Melissa: I understand that our environment does play a role in influencing our thoughts and actions; however, what would you say about people who do not conform to the ideals of their family and society? Are you in fact, saying that we are merely products of our environment?
Bhagli: Of course, because even anarchy requires an action against nurture. Nonconformity and denial of your societal and familial state require some sort of acknowledgment of your surroundings, so in turn, even if you go against the grain, you're still being affected by the ideas put forth.
Melissa: So where would you say this rebellious attitude could come from? If your family and society has taught you everything that you know about the world, from whence would the idea develop that would question these grand authorities? By simple reason, it must be something that is naturally developed in the mind of the individual, without influence from these outside sources. Are you in fact saying that individual thought and reason does not exist if even an act of rebellion would be considered as “conformist” under your logic?
Bhagli: I would say at this point in time, most rebellious and individual thoughts have been deduced to just a reconstruction/revision of history. So one is probably conforming to something that has already happened. Individual thought is possible, but every choice is a response to what is given to us by our environment. Therefore, individual thought, like this one that I am having, an opinion, is the birth of an idea from an pre-conceived notion that already exists.
Melissa: Well, your statements in themselves, reveal an interesting contradiction. At some point, an individual thought, exclusive to any outside influences, must have been formed, without this, mankind would have never been able to develop so many different value sets. So although I see your point on this matter, I still believe that our own genetics and natural, birth-given qualities also have an effect on us outside of our environmental influences.
Bhagli: I disagree, can you provide an example of where nature can surpass the effects forced onto the individual through familial and societal influences?
Melissa: Surely, I will. For instance, many modern scientists and genealogy experts would argue that homosexuality is a genetic trait. In the past and oftentimes it still occurs today, homosexuals have been considered banes of society and have been greatly discriminated against. Many people lose the support of their families, religious circles, and in extreme cases even face harassment and violence due to their sexuality. If you are arguing that nurture is the one and only determiner of an individual, why would anyone in their right mind, “choose” this kind of lifestyle and sexual preference?. Many homosexuals, despite their breeding, which may have pushed them towards a more socially accepted preference, would say that they were “born gay.” Would you deny these people’s deepest instincts and say that sexuality is nothing but a choice? Did you, “choose” to be straight, or is it something that was natural and instinctual for you?
Bhagli: Well, Melissa, even if you are born homosexual, it is nurture that will determine how and if you “come out” at all. However, that is one aspect of the discussion that I had not yet thought of. We really have no say in our sexuality... physical pleasure/needs are the most natural (even if taboo) part of being human, and of being in the most blatant of terms, an animal. We choose who we can love but as for the raw basics, for example, what gender our partner will be, is the most instinctual aspect of desire. So perhaps, you are right in the end, and both nature and nurture play a part in our personal development, even if it might not be an equal distribution.
Melissa: Thank you, Bhagli. All I ask is that from now on, you keep an open mind and realize that although we may be products of our environment, we also have an individual will and under the power of our own natural instincts we can fight the forces in our lives that try to hold us at bay from coming to our own conclusions.

professor pretty called my writing elegant... swoon*

comfort zone.

2008-10-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes closure can come in the most unexpected of ways.

for nana!

2008-10-03T11:52:00.000-07:00

...because we all hate her. even jason bourne! this cracked me up.

matt damon for president!

*actuary tables= remaining life expectancy for people at different ages

sea lion

2008-10-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

this is pretty dope. i dont know how long ago this dropped, but i just discovered it & once again i am blown away by these spoken word poets turned rappers. saul williams is one of the few poets/writers i have really gotten deep into, & this song, naturally, is nothing short of amazing.

Sea Lion (Feat Alias, Will Old - Sage Francis

(A healthy distrust)

(Will Oldham)
The force of my love was strong
the sea lion laying down long
the song in the air
why should singer care
when singer can be among song

(Sage Francis)
Ma, ma look what I did ma
Look what I did to my hands
I broke 'em
You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel
Didn't say how to hold 'em
Didn't say give away every piece of the puzzle
Till I was left with nothin'
But I took it upon myself to crush it up and distribute the dust
Get in the bus, hop in the van
Jump in the water, crawl to the land
Build another castle out of the sand
Break it down and then I get into the saddle again
Gone city to city
I'm already lost to the boss
Who is new in town
I'ma ride this horse till it bucks me off
And I'm forced to shoot it down
I'ma take him out for some gasoline
I'ma trade this cow for some magic beans
Make mom proud of the deals that I've made
Cause I'm just a modern day Johnny Appleseed
But I'm glad that I never passed the gins
And I never put down the axe
Piano man got checkered dance floor
The grace and the painful look on his face
Cause the crowd is packed
And the louder they clapped
The less he is able to make the connection
Between what he sees when he hears certain notes
And the hurt that is shown in his facial expression
I don't need your 'go-ahead' to go ahead
Y'all don't know if sales gon' be-easy
But sweet Jesus who wants to sleep with me
Way too many moves to learn
But not enough people to put 'em on
Look it mom
No hands
I built a suit of armor with wooden arms

(Will Oldham)
The force of my love was strong
the sea lion laying down long
the song in the air
why should singer care
when singer can be among song

(Saul Williams)
Oh God I think I’m dead
I can’t see outside my head
Brains and Bloods and cryptic gangmen,
czars and warlords breaking bread
Thoughts are thought, what’s said is said
I thought that (No, you said it)
I didn’t mean to think out loud, my tongue slipped
But who let it?
Let it be, let me be, let me go, naw let me out
My manhood nods and whispers
with my father’s screams and shouts
Dear dad I’m sad you’re dead,
a new man standing in the pulpit
He bows before a wooden cross
and forces praise the culprit
I’m a tenor, in the choir
but I sing a different song
of how the where’s and why’s of now
all prove I don’t belong
But I’m staying, I’ve planted seeds
and plan to watch them grow
I’ve watered all my wishes, dreams,
and filled more seeds to sow
And I promise to learn to love the way I learned to fear
To unknot all the inhibitions tangled in my hair
To let my ego mound in piles around the barber chair
and make a graceful exit from my vexed and troubled years.
I’ve decided I’ve been invited to my own resort
where knights can leave their armor neatly piled by the door
And every woman, child, and man will gather by the shore
and study how sea lions swim in cursive

i never learn.

2008-10-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

so i woke up extra early to do a really lame paper i've known about for two weeks & is due in exactly one hour... typical melissa.

i need a makeover.

2008-09-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

lookit! look at how way hotter i used to be! that was a whole FOUR years ago. i need a haircut, or at least a trim. i need a facial, to get my nails done-did, & new wardrobe. & speaking of clothes, i remember when i used to dress like a grandma- everyone made fun of me & now its "trendy." i remember not quite fitting in with the "rockers" because i listened to more alt & indie than metal, but now its hip to be hip & all originality has gone out the window. fuck urban outfitters & american apparel for making me feel generic. forrealz.

its sort of childish- like getting mad when a band or artist youve been loving for the longest gets blown up overnight by mtv or some other mind-numbing corporate institution that defines "cool." beyond that, its a matter of trying to cherish something that is yours alone, or at least you can pretend it is. until it becomes so hard to see something you love being exploited & raped by the mass media & general population that you just sort of become disillusioned by the whole thing & move on to the next until the cycle repeats itself. so maybe i dont really care about the artist, i just care about the art- dont cheapen it!

i need a job!

2008-09-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

in my desperation, i will resort to whining about it on my blog in hopes that by some form of internet magic, someone with an opening or connections will see this & decide that i am the perfect candidate for employment.

i have ample experience in the administrative field as a receptionist, personal/office assistant, & in data entry. i also have experience in customer service & retail.

hook a brotha' up.
i got resumes!

the cheese stands alone

2008-09-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

i spent the past weekend camping with about 15 people, some close friends, some not. i had a good time overall but oftentimes i found myself alone with my thoughts even when i was surrounded by people. cliche much? maybe it was the high, but i felt disconnected in a way where i was not sad, just pensive.

i am starting to question my friendships, which is something i rarely do. lately b. has been realizing that there are few people she has history with, be it friends or otherwise, but for me the thought process is going in reverse. i know too many people, i wouldnt consider half of them my friends, but a lot of these people would make it seem as such when theres no basis for it, whether that is for my benefit or for theirs varies case by case. the people that i do consider real friends, love me. i have felt this love & sometimes it feels like my heart will explode & i would do anything for these people... but now i am starting to question how they see me. i think i am a good friend, a good person. i am loving & loyal above all things, honest & trustworthy: that is how i see myself. my flaws are being selfish & possesive, i am always late & can be somewhat demanding. both positive & negative qualities are abundant, hopefully the positive outweigh the negative.

i want to know how i am perceived by my peers, & not in a superficial way at all. one can often think the world of themselves & because of it, be blind to the reality of their being. i try to be less selfish than is in my nature & more honest than most - but i can only help but wonder what others see through my actions, because surely they cannot hear my thoughts or feel what is contained in my heart. lately i have been trying harder to make certain that my everyday actions & interactions support the foundations of my convictions.

id like to believe that my friends would point out any issues they have with me, bring them to my attention so that i may attempt to better myself & turn those minuses into plus signs; but i am afraid of what they think of me, what horrible things they would have to say if all my paranoia is justified. i would like to know, but its the fear of never knowing that kills me. the fear of wasting my time with more people that will turn out not to give a fuck about me.

i feel like i am reverting back into myself, becoming concave somehow. its like im waiting for something to fill me up. drinking, drugs, dancing, friends, relationships, drawing, books, school & there is always something missing. maybe its me?

personal satisfaction

2008-09-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

i want to write a lot more often than i actually sit down to do it. i guess i always doubt that i have something interesting to write about. i've never attempted the short story & frankly i dont think i could even do it. writing to me is more cathartic than anything, i write to get things off my chest & usually it turns into ambiguous rants about my life. i used to write poetry, if you could even call it that. i always felt extremely uncomfortable sharing it with anyone other than rosanna. my thoughts seemed to revealing to risk sharing with anyone other than my best friend. that was a long time ago, i cant even remember the last time i tried to work on a poem or some sort of prose. my life was way more dramatic back then, or at least it seemed that way when i was 18. i remember when my friend vera & i would sit on aim & write together, lyrics for our fantasy band, that is how i started writing things for myself. looking back, it was all very cliche.

two nights ago, i wrote my ex a long myspace message telling him the whole truth about how i've felt since our breakup & our attempts to remain friends. i dont think i have ever regretted clicking the "send" button so much in my entire life. i meant everything that i wrote, but i realized that writing it out was all i needed to make myself feel at ease with the situation. as it turns out, through some sort of myspace miracle, the message was never sent out into the inter-verse. i think it was life's way of telling me that i dont always have to affect someone else with my emotions for them to be validated.

my lovely crutch

2008-09-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

when I'm high, I feel so much more aware of myself than I typically do. I hear everything that I am doing much louder than it probably is, chewing a pringle, swallowing my vitamin water. I hear myself so loudly when I speak but even those close by can't hear what I'm saying. it feels like I'm shouting! sometimes I take trips on a tangent in my own mind & get lost where it takes me. "where was I going with this?" the thought process is a scenic landscape. I can talk about pain & it no longer feels like misery but like beauty, part of an epic battle taking place inside me & spilling out into the world. I just feel rational & I can actually see through the smoke. my head races but there's peace. home in a strange place.

i've been feeling a lot like this lately

2008-09-07T03:50:00.000-07:00

Be Safe - The Cribs

a few weeks ago i had a silly falling out with my friend cheeno thanks to my pms & emotionalness. when we finally got to talk it out, we smoked a blunt & watched this lame karate kid type movie called "never back down." this song was on the soundtrack & it sort of makes up for the time wasted watching the movie. the first verse pretty much describes my life, ugh.

"The light within you shines like a diamond mine, like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway."

alley cats

2008-09-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

i was smoking a cigarette on the front steps & a stray cat happened to stop in front of me. he stopped right in front of me, looked me in the eyes & meowed- it almost too much to bear. usually i would have been ultra-creeped. you see, i have this silly notion that stray cats can see into your soul... but enough about my psychosis. there are tons of stray cats in my neighborhood & lately i have found myself more compassionate towards their plight. the cats have rosanna to thank; she is always telling me about all the strays that she befriends late nights in her back alley.

so! kitty & i exchanged flirty glances for a bit, & i decided i would be muster up the courage to try & pet him/her... success! i could tell kitty was scared, but he nudged his head towards my hand & i knew it was consensual. i called my mom to deliver my uneaten salmon from that night's dinner, along with a saucer of milk for the pretty kitty. it must have been starving, because kitty ate the entire meal, even licked the plate [/aluminum foil.] after that, kitty was all over me. needless to say, i got mad pussy.

this may sound stupid or lame, but knowing that i made a difference in kitty's nightly quest for food totally warmed my heart. it would rub up against my leg & cock his head towards me, purring, & i knew it was showing gratitude the best way that it could. he was so easily frightened by loud noises & sudden movements, giving off that vulnerable vibe that always emanates from abused animals. i felt so bad when i finally had to walk away from it & abandon it like it's former owners must have. a few weeks ago, rosanna & i spotted one of the neighborhood cats after a brawl. one of his eyes was almost gouged out & his left ear was completely ripped off. we were pretty much crying over it. its depressing to notice so much suffering. to realize & to feel it everyday, even in creatures that could easily be dismissed as unimportant, they still suffer.

i just want to do something good.

schemes

2008-08-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

i made $50 today by helping someone run a scheme on home depot. i didnt do anything illegal, but the person i was "working" for definitely does lots of illegal things in order to make his money. living in jackson heights has opened my eyes to all the creative schemes immigrants have to cook up in order to make a decent living. i can only imagine how badly it must suck(!) to have your very existance in a country be criminilized just because you lack a piece of paper (or quite a few pieces.) im not going to start ranting about immigration policy & wages, maybe next time. for now, i just want to say that i definitely admire their resilience & survival tactics.

FAIL.

2008-08-25T23:58:00.000-07:00

i fainted in the street last night.

after my all-day sunday hangover, monday was spent drinking coffee & chain smoking in my room. i was walking to play lounge to do 2 hours of training for my old/new job as a cocktail waitress, & my nerves got the best of me, so i decided to smoke a clip. i had not smoked weed or had a meal since saturday. i was so fucking high & i hadn't even finished smoking. i decided to put it out & keep walking. i got to the entrance of play & had a mini panic attack- i couldnt go inside, i was too stoned!

i walked away from play & started feeling really lightheaded & weak. i could barely walk anymore & everything was blurry, i couldnt keep my eyes open or even stand up any longer. i knew i needed to take a break so i sat on the brick ledge of a fence... & thats the last thing i remember before waking up face down on the concrete.

it took me a while before i realized what happened. i tried to stand up & keep walking but my body couldnt make it farther than the corner. i collapsed indian-style on the floor & started crying, my head was pounding. i didnt know what happened or how i was going to get home in the state i was in. my face got scraped up, as well as my knuckles & elbow. everytime i tried to stand up, my vision would go dark & my knees would buckle & i couldnt walk more than a few steps before i felt like i would collapse. luckily, alberto was able to pick me up & take me home to my mama.

she carried me inside & layed me down, but since i hit my head she wouldnt let me go to sleep & i didnt want to go to the hospital. she gave me something to eat & drink but i was still fading. after a while, she let me rest but she was checking up on me every few minutes to make sure i was still conscious.

nothing like this has ever happened to me. my mom has always told me to take care of myself & try to be healthier because "un dia te vas a desmayar en la calle"- i cant believe it actually happened this way. anyone knows that im not a physically weak person, quite the opposite, but i guess everything just caught up with me at the wrong moment.

my face:

it doesnt look as bad as it felt.

dead for 2 months & 7 days

2008-08-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

one of the most sinking feelings i have ever experienced throughout my life comes from accepting that the person that i love no longer loves me back.

"Not everything happens for a reason, I know that it sounds appealing when you lose something that's not replaceable."

not naming names

2008-08-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

i am probably giving some people more attention that they deserve, but sometimes i cannot help but to wonder why some people behave they way they do. i've known people that are so conniving & deceitful, & oftentimes it seems directed more so towards those that they would call "friends," people they supposedly care for. life is complicated enough without having to watch your back around your own peoples.

there's such a disgustingly complacent attitude towards actions that cannot be described as anything other than malicious. i would never let anyone whom openly disrespects my friends into my life, & i dont expect any less in return. i will not tolerate disloyalty, & even if it takes me cycles & cycles of friends to find out who is trueblue, then so be it... & fuck everyone that says, "they never did anything wrong to me." fuck you. its you & people like you that are responsible for all the world's atrocities, because it's never a problem until it happens to you. --lethargic devils! that is a cowardly & horribly apathetic way to go through life.

you're no better than the people you associate yourself with; so what does it say about you when all your friends are well-renowned as junkies, thieves, liars, & whores?

this generation is far too busy trying to wear the trendiest pseudo-vintage outfits to contemplate any serious moral & philosophical questions that could open up beautiful worlds & enrich your pathetic, coke-fueled existences.

who are you?
what do you stand for?

2008-08-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

a conversation last night brought to my attention that i have not accomplished either of my two resolutions for 2008; to quit smoking & to find a job.

as i type this, i am smoking a ciggarette.
i am blogging instead of being on craigslist OR actually getting off my ass & job hunting the old-fashioned way.

pretty much everything wrong with my life is in my control. in other words, i am the one to blame. i am responsible, or better yet, irresponsible for this mess - & getting myself out of it!

im going to take a nap.

if at first you don't suceed...

2008-08-12T01:33:00.000-07:00

try, try again.

deviantART

2008-02-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

I made an account: http://lasensi.deviantart.com/

I made it primarily to comment & bullshit on my friends' pages, but also to post some of my own work. I dont draw nearly as much as i used to, but that was many years ago. I want to fall back into drawing & improving on my natural abilities.

I'm going back to school next week; my classes start on Monday. It's really important for me to do well & correct my collegiate mistakes of the past. I feel like the past 4 years of my life have been an absolute waste of time. When I look back, I feel that I am still in the same place, laying stagnant. It's time to make those necessary changes.

I'm going to complete my first year of college at the age of 22 & I'm finally starting to realize my own potential.

Merry Xmas!

2007-12-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

If the baby Jesus had been conceived in Queens, he would've definitely met an untimely death at the hands of a morning-after pill.

Curious objects found on the streets of East Elmhurst:

UNWANTED BABY DETECTOR

so did she pop a squat?

Luckily, she's not pregnant; because I'm sure the newborn would've been found in laying in the gutter 9 months later too.

In this day & age, I wonder if anyone would still buy into the excuse of an immaculate conception. Hmm!

Unemployment Benefits

2007-12-21T12:29:00.000-08:00

Getting paid unemployment is awesome; my horoscope said so:

You will handle joint finances with ease and you will make gains through
gifts, inheritance, or other means of acquiring things that you don't work for
during this transit. (65%)

Something else that is awesome: my boyfriend, Oscar. He just bought me a new digi & it is almost as amazing as he is.

Welcome home, Sony Cybershot!

I promise to love, honor, & protect you for as long as we both shall live. Were going to have some wonderful times together, you & I...

Which brings me to the point of the story, as you can see, I now have a blog. I decided that a "blog" seems less juvenile than lets say, a livejournal ;] In addition, it will give me somewhere to rant &/or rave while I'm unemployed. After all, I do need some form of amusement. Seriously, what else would I do? My laundry? Pftt...!